(((((everyone)))))

I went to group today. It was ok, it was just me and one other person (a man ) and the therapist. But the man was very nice and it was ok.

I went there with the intention of talking about my upcoming custody issues (going to court next month. ) and how conflicted I am about seeking full custody of my 4 kids. I'm not sure that would be the best thing for me, but there is little doubt it would be the best thing for the kids. So it's trying to find a balance between meeting my own needs and those of my children. Always difficult.

And we did spend literally half of the group time talking about my issue, and I was able to start on a pros and cons list which my T had asked me to do and to bring to the next session.

I just want to veer a little off topic here and say that I talked to my sister for about an hour tonight and she helped me SO MUCH. You know how you can get so close to a situation, so squished up against it, that you just can't have any perspective? Yeah. She helped me a LOT and helped me figure out a way to do what is right for my kids while still being true to myself.

I just have been struggling so much to learn to take care of ME. Fighting those messages I got growing up that was I selfish and a bad person. It has been unbelievably difficult. I am so afraid of losing the ground I have gained. Finding a way to do what I want and need to do as a mother while still being true to the me deep inside that is just learning to find her voice is a big deal.

I can't wait to tell my T about this. I really felt like I could breathe again after talking to my sister.