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lynn09 · Nov 07, 2010, 12:31 AM

So, so sorry you have experienced such trauma and abuse, xxlostandlonelyxx - none of it from any source is right or fair. However, I'm glad that you have been strong enough to survive it all, and hope you will continue to fight and reach out for the support and help you need to ultimately overcome it all.

Please be very careful with yourself, especially when it comes to selecting others you allow into your life. Being raised in an abusive environment makes us susceptible to other abusers because our ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries has been damaged and we don't always recognize the predators until they're within striking range. I can assure you that you will have many, many more acquaintances in your life than "true" friends - and that's just fine. To me personally, a friend is someone that I would absolutely be able to trust with my very life - anyone that doesn't fulfill that criterion is not qualified to be called "friend."

The other thing about being raised in an abusive environment is that we are taught that we must rely on others to assign value to us. This sets us up to be enslaved to other people's opinions of us - to feeling worthless and undeserving unless others validate our worthiness by associating with us. First and foremost, you must become your own best friend - this must be your primary and most important relationship. You know yourself better than anyone else - you have been present through every nightmarish experience and stood up for yourself when no one else had the guts or the decency to be there with or stand up for you - so give yourself some credit. You haven't survived what you have experienced because of anything anyone else has done - you have survived it all because YOU have done what's necessary to do so despite everyone else. I'm quite certain that you have treated your acquaintances far better than they have treated you - and that you would not have desserted anyone who was attacked and brutalized as you were. Are you getting the picture here?

As for those "Bad Mother Messages" in your head - I used to hear those same tapes all the time, too. Finally, I started answering back - every time those tapes played and I heard my parents telling me that I was ugly, useless, stupid, worthless, etc., etc., I would answer out loud: "So?"; "What's your point?"; "Well, I came from you!"; "You're entitled to your opinion, but it doesn't mean I have to respect it."; "You don't even know me, so why should I respect your opinion of me?" Eventually, anytime any abuser tape started playing in my memory, I just told it to shut up - and I still do - out loud!

Anyone who makes deprecating remarks to you does so for one purpose only - to inflict pain and damage on you - that's abuse, and you just cannot respect that motivation. It doesn't matter what others think of you - the only thing that matters is what you think of yourself; and if there is anything about yourself that you would like to change, then do so to suit yourself - to suit how you want to define yourself and not just to please the whims and demands of others (who are they?). No matter who you are or think you are today, YOU ALONE have the power and authority to define who you will be tomorrow, or at any given moment and in any given situation. You have to live with yourself every moment of every day regardless of who else is or is not around, so become the person you want to spend that time with. Believe me, being alone doesn't mean being lonely. You can't be lonelier than when you're in a crowd of the wrong people.

To have survived all that you have so far, you are stronger than you know. Reach out to good people here and in your real life to get the help and support you need and deserve so that you can become the healthy, vital person you want to be. lynn09