Redbucket,
I read your post...we have alot in common. T

The biggest difference I noted was: my issue isn't hatred, it's trust. So everytime you wrote hate, exchange that with distrust and there you go. I isolate myself to the point of despair, although I'm married (why he sticks around, only God knows!) and have a 12 year old son.

I've been severely depressed since about 2005. Since then I have been on several different anti-depressants with no improvement. I sought out a psychiatrist and she's given me the good ole Bipolar diagnosis, so I'm now taking a mood stabilizer in addition to the anti-depressants. Still, no notable improvement. I've always had OCD to a mild degree, and that small amount of anxiety worked for me, kept me moving and working (and cleaning), but also in 2005, the anxiety spiked and has been unbearable since then.

I don't trust anyone. Not my mother, siblings, husband, co-workers and so on. This makes me hold everyone at a good distance from the real me. This in turn leads to everyone irritating me in some way or another, then my wanting to get away from them or "escape" however I can. The anxiety and severe depression together has slowly eroded my ability to function. I hated being around others to the point of losing my job a few weeks ago,due to excessive absences. I had been at that job for 10 years and had once been in a managerial role, but was demoted when my absences suddenly increased as everything fell apart around me. I hung on there, despite being completely humiliated after the demotion, but the absences kept piling up and I was given the opportunity to resign or be fired a few weeks ago. I resigned.

The point of me saying all that is so that I could get to here:

Since about July, I have been having suicidal thoughts. I held tightly to my facade of normalcy to the point of losing my job. Since then, I have gone farther down than I ever have before and was close to being hospitalized (and probably would have been if I'd told my therapist/pdoc the WHOLE truth). I had a complete breakdown, and when I couldn't cry anymore and hadn't eaten or showered for DAYS, I finally got up, got in the shower and found a therapist in my area via generic internet search.

I found a new therapist, by luck I suppose, that is a 100% improvement over the other therapists I've had in the past, and I've had several in the past 5 years. I had ONE session with her and she did more for me than anyone has before.

That first day in session, she referred me to a local psych hospital and got me into an intensive day program that includes ALOT of group therapy, one on one therapy and psychiatrist visits twice a week for med management. I've been going there everyday from 9am til 3pm and it feels like a job, but at least it gets me OUT of my bed and OUT of my house for a period of time, and into an environment where I can say what's in my head without anyone judging me.

I will say, I haven't made it every single day since I started, because I still give into the isolation. But on the days I've made it out of bed and into the shower, I can truly say I feel *better*. In three weeks, I've sat through hours and hours of group CBT, which is more like taking a course in human behavior. I have rolled my eyes waaaay more than once at the theories that are being taught. I also still do not trust a single soul, but I still go.

It's kind of like having a family (the group) that is as messed up, or worse, than I am. And talking to people that have had similar experiences is beyond encouraging. I still want to hide/escape in general and still picking fights with the hubby to allow me to isolate at home, but for a few hours during the day, I take my focus off of ME and listen to others talk about their problems, and it's like a vacation for my brain.

My personal opinion is that some people are broken or warped, either in spirit, soul or heart, and no amount of talking/positive thinking will change that. I know alot of folks here will say you can heal all wounds with enough time and hard work on yourself, but I hope for those folks, we can peacefully agree to disagree.

Redbucket, find a new therapist, a new psychiatrist....a fresh start. You might find someone good and you might not. Keep trying. If not for you, then for your family. I once heard that suicide is THE most selfish thing a person can do. Food for thought.

And sorry for the uber-long post, I guess I had alot to say. The OP hit me hard.