I've not been that good recently. I have had lots of stuff going over and over in my mind and I'm feeling more alone than ever. I really want to feel the care and support that is offered to me but although I definately see it being offered....when I wake up in the morning, when I strive to get through the day, and when I fall asleep at night, all I ever feel is this pervasive sense of being totally and utterly alone.

I cannot make sense of that.

But anyway, what I really wanted to type out was the bad images in my head recently. My mind is going in a certain direction and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Unfortunately because I'm quite low at the moment I'm cutting without any regrets or guilt...this is mainly because a) I need to continue, b) I can only rely on myself, and c) cutting 'works' for me....so yeh I've basically given myself the go ahead to cut if it means getting through.....plus I don't really care that much about what happens to me, except if other people see it...and usually with cutting they don't.

So yeh, as boring and repetitive as I am....i'm feeling terribly alone and pretty darn depressed at the moment. If I wanted to go down the route of pity i'd scream out that i'm sick and tired of feeling this way. ....but I'm incrediably aware of the opportunities and love/support I am given by family and friends.... i just get so tired of feeling so empty around them.

I'm also really tired of trying. I'm pretty darn aware that cutting is not the answer and it isn't what I want to be doing....but right now...when things seems to looks so black and suffocating I'm just getting so tired of trying to hold it all together....i can't think of anything else that will help. I've tried distraction and it works for a while, I've tried comforting and I love it, but when i'm in 'that place' i can only think of one thing and, although sometimes rationally i can think 'this is not right', i still go ahead and do it anyway because there is a louder scream which is saying '......' ....stuff.

I feel so superficial and empty most of the time that i wonder if i exist at all. Sometimes I wonder if any of this matters? All this screaming of pain and lonliness...does it even matter, really? I attempt to switch off my brain or to turn it to something else but everything seems.....if this makes sense....2 dimensional.

I feel fake and, if i can say this without seeming completely stupid, nothing.....except that the nothing is full of too much. Like a black space being crushed by it borders....because you can't have a space without something designating it to 'be' a space....And that 'be' in my life is so darn loud, and the space/silence is just as loud if not louder!

I'm making no sense now though...so i'll shut up. Apologies!