Sweetheart,
I can feel your pain. I used to think the same things about myself. If only I could run away and become someone new. If only I could leave it all behind. As I have gotten older I have found that there is no running from it. It is like your shadow. It follows you where ever you go. The trick is to see the beauty in your shadow. We have been taught we are broken, not good enough...disgusting. Those lessons were lies. We are not what we were taught. It is up to you to find your own beauty, your own divinity. Cutting will not help you find that. Cutting is based in the old beliefs that something is wrong with us. Yes we have problems but we are not our problems. We are special humans with beauty that only needs to be recognized. Chances are your beauty has not been recognized by those around you. They are not in a place to point it out to you because they are lost in their own quagmire of guilt and pain. You are the only one who can reach inside and find your beauty.

Always remember that life is a process. That we are here to learn something, what exactly I don't know, but the only way to find out is to keep searching high and low, inside and out, for that which makes us divine. Don't give up. Don't think that you are only good for a cutting board. You are more then that. I understand the need to cut but there comes a time when you have to tell yourself that it is time to stop. We know you can do it because you made it for almost 2 years. Now put down those sharp empliments and find one thing in your life that is beautiful. Can be something about you are something that you own or something that you feel. Connect with that one beautiful thing. Hold it close and know that you are good.
Take care dear one,
Carrie

<font color=blue>The soul should always stand ajar ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.--Emily Dickinson