With Rachel I actually admire her way with words. The way she would lie, it seemed like she was pouring out her heart and soul. It was more than just "I don't feel that way, I really do care". It was very long paragraphs of words explaining feelings that seemed so honest and true, that it would make you feel guilty for ever suspecting any wrong of such an innocent and good friend, without her ever actually accusing you of anything. But I guess what was what she wanted me to feel, because she did what she did. It goes with what they say, I suppose, that sometimes the most charming ones are the most dangerous.

I would have never known who Rachel truly was if she had not revealed her true self to me.. actually, to be honest she didn't. I could only predict what she was going to do. Her talent with words didn't reflect on her ability to plan and her schemes were always a cycle: take the guy I like. I think it's funny though, I remember once in August, I believe around the last time I spoke to her after she had taken Jesse but before I knew, she told me she could read me like a book.. and now when I go back on those words, it was really only me who was doing the reading. I'm a person who analyzes people. I sensed her jealousy but didn't want to believe it cause I sensed other things as well from her.

I always debated with myself if it wasn't just a bad personality and ill feelings, or if there was something else in there. I mean me and her had a perfect friendship mostly, until I started liking guys and as soon as I did she felt the need to tear us apart. She used to tell me that she was afraid of loosing me and she was selfish and just wanted to keep me all to herself. She treated our friendship as if it were a relationship, which I found so frustrating as well as confusing.

With Jesse, I got his personality in an instant. He was an insecure, selfish guy, who had lived out most of his life with rejection. He over-romanticized everything, the one he was with was always who he was gonna be with forever. He was also hostile, mean, lazy and insensitive under all that supposed "caring" but I felt bad for his insecurity and I wanted to play nurse, therapist and hero.

With Rachel I could never tell who she really was, I could never see through her actions like I could with Jesse. I still can't figure her out. She kept saying a lot, that she hated me, she hated me, she hated me, I was a horrible friend and all that, but so many times had we stopped being friends and she would always come back and try to make it all nice again. I never got that. I still don't. I don't obsess about it anymore though, but it's something that goes through my mind every now and then.

But enough about my frustrating past "friends" () this is supposed to be about my low self-esteem.