Not a good day today. The simple things in life are taken away from me. Please tell me if I'm going nuts, I'm a selfish bubbering brat, or I have a right to feel the way I do........it's my father. I guess you all know I'm living here with my elderly dad. Anyhow, today I felt really good, I wanted to have a few candles lite, just to have a nice relaxing atmosphere while I did work around the house. My father comes in after raking the leaves (he has breathing problems)....he sat down to rest for awhile. He smelt the candles burning and started complaning that it was bothering him. I blew them out in a hurry, left the room mad and upset. I didn't rationalize the reason of what his problem was...I was just angry. Now you see.....several weeks ago, I had music on on the cable channel (just for a little relaxation). He walked in the room and complained he couldn't stand that "junk". I hurried and turned it off (it wasn't like it was horrible music....it was his error of music....Senatra, Como...ect)

The reason I got mad about the candle situation is that I couldn't tell if it's because he wanted to put me in my place....since he knows that he has the upper hand with my situation in life and because he always throws in that he was good enough to help me financially out of a mess.

Do I have a right in my thinking. I did appologize for blowing up about the candles...no one should have to stand that if they are suffering from breathing problems. But, that's how it's been all my life.....everything I liked or appreciated he considered "JUNK".

I feel like the poor slaves, they couldn't get out of the situation they were in. Their heads hung low when they did something wrong in their masters eyes. They couldn't retaliate. I can't retaliate either....I do owe my father my life (really) he seriously got me out of a huge debt that I put upon my self. People have told me that I have made up for my debts by cooking, cleaning ect. They've even figured out the wages of an inhome care giver and what I''ve done for him these past few years. Maybe I have helped him financially by paying him back, I don't know how to veiw it. I just want the one person who made life worth living and I was happy again....my mother. I'm 50 yrs old, I know my age....but what can I do. I have to be here....I have to because my mother, before she died told me not to leave my father. I did for a year though....I left because I thought I fell in love with a man who used me (that's where my father came in to save my hide). I promised never again will I leave and I shall honor my mothers wishes. Another reason I can't leave is that I would have to give up my animals and the 3rd reason...too many debts.

I know you guys this is long....I wasn't going to post this, was going to write it on my profile Journal. But ended up writing my book here. I need a good thrashing for the way I behaved. This is my fathers house, I need to be considerate. Please forgive me for this........lonesomedove