I know this will be moved, it's ok I just don't know where I fit in. I am so sad, depressed, and life is meaningless to me any more. I fear my marriage may be falling apart, my own doing. No one neads me, my husband does but I just feel......I don;t know......I can't stop crying, I wont eat, my mind is tempting me, I am in so much physical pain as well and mental, my meds do NOTHING, I could go on but why bother any one. I am due to travel back "home" to be with my family, my children mainly and I am terrified. My father is dieing, how can I be strong for THAT my God. My dad is a mean man, always has been and I have prayed for this day to come, now I feel terrible. My kids act as if they don't need mommy any more, the have MONEY NOW and seem happy to know they can have and do anything they want. My middle child hasn't really changed, he is so loving and tells me I can always call him by his nickname I gave him when he was a baby. His younger sister, my little girl OMG, it hurts so much knowing I am missing out on so much, she told me she is growing up and doesn't need me that much. She is only going to be 9 for crying out loud. So I will honor her request and try to......hell I don't know any more. I don't even know my own kids. They act so different in the short time I saw them last. I had them almost the entire summer and since then, every thing has changed in ME I guess for the worse. I have to go now. My husband will be home and he doesn;t like me coming here. He feels it is making me worse, it's not. Here I can tell the truth. In person I try to hide, I am ashamed of myslelf and it has caused me to act out and say terrible things to the man of my dreams. I have hurt him, he is not my kids father, their real father is in a family of power and money, I couldn't take it any more and had an affair with this man, I lied to him, he thought i wasn't married or he would NEVER have met me, look at me now. I am his wife and hold so many secrets that are coming out of me badly.
What do I do? I am so alone and afraid to tell him every thing but he knows something BAD is wrong with me. He tells me to leave if I feel going back will make me happy, I can never go back. I just want my children back, I have paid the price long enough for my sins. He is here, I must go. He knows I am sad mad and so much more. I wish I could tell him what i tell all of you ppl that I don;t even know, but if I do he won't love me, so I stay silent. No one can help me. It's to late but I thank you all who read this. Good bye.