oh midnight sending you lots of warm hugs!!!! it is complicated. what could you do to simplify and address one thing at a time? i know you miss your children from other posts. that is always a mother's pain when they are not with them. but can you see a therapist to try to sort all these emotions that are rushing towards you? if i was you there is no way i could deal with it alone...it probably makes you depressed and feeling helpless and hopeless. i felt that way one time and my T literally saved my life. do keep posting so we know how you are. if ranting helps, do it. hold on dear one. there are solutions...you just can't do this all alone imho.