Therapy has been difficult lately. We talk about the lonliness quite a lot, I think she gets it. She thinks all this pain is getting worse because I'm getting better. She's probably right though I can't quite see it myself!

I've attempted to tell her about feeling empty but it is very hard to explain. Again I think she gets it, or at least she gets that I can be totally contradictory within the same sentence and both bits hold true...somehow! The hard part is that it hurts to tell someone in person how much pain I feel inside and how empty and nothing I feel too....because I still have to deal with it, it is always never-ending. Oh well.

I haven't bothered to talk about the wierd thoughts in my head of all this being 2 dimensional or wondering if it exists at all....mainly because it is just plain stupid and likely irrelevant. I can talk about this online but in person I'd find it too hard to talk about...plus I don't think it really is the issue.

Which is the main reason I don't always tell her explicitly 'i cut today' because i think it is better to talk about the situation and feelings than my reaction to the feelings. That's not to say we've not ever talked about cutting because we have etc. But what I don't get is that she still seems surprised when I explicitly tell her about a cutting episode. It is as though she forgets. Maybe I appear a lot more competant than I am when i'm trying to explain situations? Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting her reaction as surprise when it may be more a question....e.g. 'so you cut this week then?' <-- this remark really surprises me! I wouldn't say I was a regular cutter, i don't cut everyday etc... but from everything we've spoken about I honestly take it as a given that she knows that to cope in stressful situation I have to cut! But she doesn't seem to get that.

Anyway, not that it matters. I would like to tell myself to try and do better with everything at the moment but I don't really have the energy. Thank you for asking, reading and supporting. I know I talk a pile of nonsense most of the time and all I ever seem to do is whine, it bores me too if i'm honest!