Oh.... sweetie, I am relating to this so big time that it is making me cry right now too. (Don't feel bad... it's been needed for a very long time...). The VERY same thing has been happening to me lately, culminating (thusfar) just last night. It's totally ok. I don't know if it is the same for you, but so many times I was crying inside, yet tears themselves would not manifest. Then, BOOM! No holding it back, no pretending the fear wasn't overwhelming and that it didn't hurt like hell and that "strength" was a come and go thing. And suddenly that "strength" was gone... totally and utterly gone.

The thing you talk about with feeling not yourself and overwhelmed, not being able to breathe. Yup. That preceeded it all for me too.

All this it to say... is that you are soooo not alone in this. It feels so... words escape... but you are NOT alone...