What is this; Anger, self-loathing, disappointment, loneliness or all of the above?

Why can I still not be 100% HONEST about my feelings? Am I ashamed? Or am I scared?
Why did I mess up so badly? The 1 person who loved me, is the one person I chased away, regretting this decision, but he’s not coming back, so I have to get off this delusional horse (am I seeing a pattern here? This word TWICE in 1 week) and make peace with the fact that he aint coming back EVER.
I'm so angry, I burst into tears at the drop of a hat, and if it gets any worse I'll be tempted to SI. ( I know myself and my patterns) I don't know why I'm so angry, and yet I do know. And now EVERYTHING is working on my last effin NERVE. I just wanna scream, I just want everyone to leave me alone, I just want someone to understand me and hold me. I want to go off my meds, but I REALLY want them to work, so I reluctantly take them, I want God to bless me, and look upon me with favour, yet I'm shamefully questioning my significance to him and even his existence, Self-loathing? YESSS

WTF is wrong with me?
I'm Crazy
Why don’t I get of this roller-coaster already? I think the ride is intensifying, slowly but surely. And this scares me.It's not intense ALL the time, but it's gradual, guess I've always known this, that's why I sought help, but I mistakenly thought that meds, a new attitude, and support would stop the progression...

Why does nobody understand? Why does nobody see? Am I so good at faking it?

One minute I’m fine, I can laugh and comment, gimme 2 seconds in my head is WHAM, the anger and self-hatred is back.

Should be proud of myself, haven’t even attempted to hurt myself, but jeez, pride is not on the menu today…

What do I even want? More importantly, what do I NEED?

I’m FED UP
end rant