|
Nov 09, 2010, 04:18 AM
|
 |
|
|
Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Fringes of the bell-shaped curve
Posts: 779
|
|
 Hi, Cherrios! I spotted a few things in your response to my response that really clarified some things - your statements about beating the accident, not being in control during and following the accident, your desire to achieve the biggest and baddest obstacle, being angry, and your fear of getting out of your comfort zone, are all very telling.
The psychological trauma you experienced during that accident and recoverig from your injuries is really not that different from what a victim of a violent assault would incur. You did not deserve to be in that accident, you did not deserve to be injured and in pain...in essence, that accident was an unprovoked attack that radically altered not only the direction of your life, but your very identity, as well. That accident made you feel vulnerable and victimized, as did others being in control of your life for a period of time afterward. I think it's very likely that your intense need to "embrace that control" together with your other intense feelings as expressed in the statements I noted above may be indicators of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
That would certainly explain why you don't want to let go of the "high" you get from working out; it's not just to attain and maintain a "high" from achievement - you want to be as strong as you possibly can be so you won't ever feel vulnerable and afraid again - and anything else that would interfere with you attaining and maintaining that level of physical strength would threaten your sense of power, control, and safety. You don't fear failure, you fear feeling and being vulnerable, defenseless, helpless, and at the mercy of things over which you have no control. At least that's what I'm seeing in your words.
Has your therapist evaluated you for PTSD? If not, I think it would be a good idea to discuss this possibility with your T and/or Pdoc. If it is PTSD, you need specific treatment in order for you to be able to move beyond this point that you are kind of stuck in at the moment so that you can gain a more balanced perspective and figure out what you WANT to do with your life rather than what you feel compelled to do.
What do you think?  lynn09
__________________
"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
|