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To be completely honest i don't know how I'm doing. When i first started taking my meds i was on cloud 9 within a week. Life was awesome for the most part. I felt energized and really happy. I was out every day, and lost like 20 pounds almost over night.That was a big deal to me because my last depression was long, and i almost lost my job because i called in sick every day. But i wasn't sleeping or eating and I had some major spending issues to the tune of about $6000 in a very short time. My doctor told me the antidepressant was making me manic. I was prescribed the seroquel to bring me back down and make me sleep. The first time i took it got knocked out for 16 hours and missed work and an appointment.Out of desperation (i hadn't slept in 3 days) I decided to try one more time but i was really scared. The next time i had a panic attack. To be honest i don't think i was really scared of the medication, i was scared to come down off my antidepressant high. Now i had an excuse not to take it though and so i didn't.
After a few months i could feel that again depression kicking in and i was petrified at first, but in an odd way i wanted it back. It's like an old comfy sweater, it's always been here for me and it's soft, relaxing and wonderful. I went off my meds and just let it take hold. I stopped going to work, or leaving my house at all for that matter.I refused to get dressed, or brush my hair, and i stayed in bed 90 percent of my waking hours.My husband finally forced me to go to my T again where i cried the whole time, yelled and screamed at him had a panic attack then stormed out after insulting him.
So i started taking the antidepressant again and i was supposed to take the abilify too, so i wouldn't go manic, i didn't take it. I impulsively went on vacation, spent our money for a down payment on a house on the trip, cameras and equipment and bought a $40,000 vehicle, i can't even drive i don't even have my learners. I'm really mad and i want to blame some else.I want to blame my husband for letting me do this, and blame my T for not making me take the medications but in the end it really is my fault.
The antidepressant isn't working anymore because i'm getting depressed again. It's just making the highs and lows cycle faster.I am fighting the urge not to go off it and start it again to make me happy. I really don't want to be depressed and i really can't afford to be happy.I don't know what to do. I feel like my doctor will just make me take more meds or actually take the ones I'm supposed to.I don't want to take meds. I don't want to be depressed and i don't want to be manic and spend myself into divorce. In fact i don't want to have bi-polar.
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