Such a jumble, really don't know where to begin. Hope any of this makes sense... Will try to take it one thing at a time, though so much is intertwined...

Might as well start with this morning. Paranoia. Woke up and mind started in a mile a minute with anxiety over everything (ok, that part is very common...). This proceeded to paranoia, or something very close. Over something I'd said, suddenly sooo wish I hadn't, sure the neighbors might have heard, among other things, like being bugged (like..."maybe! and what if?! and my phone! My computer!) and that the world would unravel. Damage control! Damage control! Stat! There was (TG!) a small voice that was trying to tell me to stop it. To which the other part responded, "Yeah, but what if???!!!" And all this over -- well, the something was somewhat, but not all that justifiable to freak over!!! So ???? (TG, again I say TG, for the alprazolam. It may not be for this, but at least it allowed me to mellow the heck out enough to get a grip.)

I have a psych appt. in less than a week. This subject has come up before, but recollection could only bring up one time when it definitely crossed the line. (I do get paranoid -- in the common sense, not clinical) about posting (and yes, I can hear you all laughing... ) for spells (the ones about my issues anyway...)...um, among other things. Paranoia is not so much one of my "things". But lately, sometimes when driving that other drivers really are out to get me... If I had to answer the "do you feel everyone is out to get you?" question lately, the answer would be, "yes. Not all, but a bunch", but maybe that is based in the fear that if one more big thing goes wrong, it will send me over the edge. So I need to be on my guard (overguard?). So maybe that is just normal in a sense(???)

And so speaking of the appt.... I've not been doing very well lately. Seeming pretty "together" and presenting well, interspersed with near-breakdowns and increased problematic things (anxiety, rage, paranoia). This is not my usual pattern. It's more... jumbly. Last month's appt. (right after the ****hit the fan, as it happened), she wanted to increase my main med. I said no, let me just try to ride it out. Soooooo, what do you suppose this appt will bring? Thing is, I don't think increasing it (Lamictal from 300 to 400) will help. But! What? Add something? I'm freaked out about that too.... is this a good time to experiment??? So much of all this is (unlike many of my episodes) situationally triggered. Serious potentially life-ruining issues over which we are basically helpless all wrapped up in intense caring, emotion and fear. What I really want is to be clubbed over the head and woken up to find the best possible outcome. But will the pharmacist fill that prescription? I will be inquiring about more/else for the anxiety (stronger and/or longer lasting), though. For sure.

What is this post about? No idea. But if you managed to muddle through it, and have any thoughts, please share!

(And yes, having a hard time hitting the submit thread button...)