as i said i am seeing a new doc.. havn't been the three years... in those three years i learn from parts my pediatrician was one of our abusers. Now the trickyer part i have had memories for me about what happened but not the feelings of what it was like. I know details soiund of his voice but not the feelings. i have had flashbacks of other things surrounding many visits to doc and mom being "in on it" she was my abuser as well.

soooo i am thinking i can help my parts cuz i have no "feelings" of course i have feelings but don't know what it was like for two of them. I am hoping i can be the strong one and be out and grounded and talk to parts through the whole thing and see what happens after.

I only plan on telling new doc i have depression and ptsd i have learned to keep DID out of doctors ears in fear of what they may think. I believe in going to doc ... i need some blood work and a gyn exam.. cancer in family and right now i have insurance so need to take advantage of that.

Soooo i guess the question is ... we have never been to the doc with me knowing. I have no idea how it is going to feel for me or myparts. how to best prepare me and parts. I go on Friday. No t until monday but can page him if we get in trouble. I don't know...just want a new chance with new doc.. build good relationship open and honest but mostly i don't want to freak when i get home and have flashbacks or i worry about that. my parts r nervous we see t on thrusday going to talk about it. he knows.

For so manyt hings latly i know a lot... i know almost everything i think..more and more it is not just knowing the details but the feelings like it was when it happpend.... we saw our pediatrition until we were 12... that is a a lot of stuff there.

I think we will get through it fine just worried about the aftermath... driving home even. Does this sound stupid??? Does anyone have advice??? Latly i have no choice but to know how it all felt for so many years froms o many different abusers but this one i don't... don't know if I want to.

any advise would we would be grateful for... i thought of getting toys after... bubble bath... yummy food... safe things. for the littles but i don'nt know about me. I am aftraid of knowing the feelings... just afraid..

I don't know if any of this makes sense... if u have any ideas it would be great. thanks so much!!!!