i had a really intense therapy session today... did some trauma work, and it was probably the hardest session yet. i was having the flash back while my T was asking me questions about it once i think she realized what must be going on with me. i was already trying to keep myself together because my grandma's health is rapidly declining and it looks like unless she starts eating or drinking or something... that the end is soon. november is a hard month anyway, it hold within it an anniversary of the death of my best friend who took his life. it's next week. anyway. really intense therapy session today. i depersonalized the worst i have in a long, long time. i really struggled to come back and i still don't feel fully present. i am going to be alone tonight, and i am having these urges to SI. this use to "bring me back" most of the time.... i could feel the pain. i'm edging on 8 years without SI though, and i don't think i want to, but the urges are there for sure, the strongest they've been in awhile. i feel scared, and like i'm going to fall apart. i feel alone. there's a tiny part of me that wants to call or email my therapist but i don't want to feel like a bother. ugh. i feel so lost.....