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lynn09 · Nov 09, 2010, 06:29 PM

((((( Merlin, Vita, sane1logic1))))) Thanks so much for your input and support.

Merlin, I agree - there definitely is HUGE benefit in knowing the cause for certain abnormal behaviors, especially when struggling with things that trigger those "bad message" tapes in your mind - hearing my abusive family members telling me that I'm stupid, worthless, lazy, incompetent, irresponsible, and especially how hated I am by everyone who has ever known me; and the tapes of all those throughout my life (childhood friends, classmates, co-workers, husbands, boyfriends, etc.) who have told me again and again that I'm just "too different."

Now I understand why I've had such tremendous difficulty adjusting to being disabled - it took me out of the highly-structured work environment that had made it possible for me to function efficiently and effectively (often to the consternation of my co-workers, although my bosses loved that I was a "workaholic"). I understand now why it has been so difficult for me to deal with the chaos of the legal, medical, and financial nightmare that my abusive family members have created for me - why, despite my intelligence, skills, and experience a variety of areas (legal, medical, business, etc.), it has been so difficult for me to research, assemble, and organize all of the information I need and to determine the best approach to straighten out the mess they deliberately created for me - why I become so overwhelmed and shut down whenever I try to work on resolving this complicated situation - why trying to deal with this triggers my PTSD, severe depressive episodes, anxiety attacks - why I have had problems with insomnia my entire life and experience it at least 3-4 nights a week now - why I get stuck in particular thought patterns and perspectives - why I'm having difficulty choosing a new Medicare Advantage Plan, and finding a new primary care physician, other medical specialists, and a new Pdoc and T - why I am so distracted by everything in my house when trying to work on such things since work and home were always strictly segregated before - why I have to meticulously plan out every little thing well in advance, even just to go pick up my mail or go to the corner store to pick up a jug of milk - why I'm SO uncomfortable in social situations, especially in large, noisey crowds of people, parties, etc. (input overload) - why I HATE sports and sporting events (because of the noise) - why I could never adjust to being married or dating AND working full-time because I was too distracted by the presence of husbands or boyfriends in my home and life, and even having roommates drove me up the wall - why I have always preferred to go places alone, such as art gallerys, museums, plays, concerts, shopping, restaurants, etc., because I found the presence of another person too distracting and i couldn't really focus on and enjoy the experience if someone was with me - why interacting with others a lot is SO exhausting and draining...and the list just goes on and on and on and on......

I was doing some reading about ADHD/ADD and learned that stimulants are used to treat it in some patients. That's when I realized that all the years I worked, I was a heavy-duty regular coffee drinker, all day every day. When I became disabled, I stopped drinking coffee and switched to tea (for my health). Even though a cup of coffee and a cup of tea contain approximately the same amount of caffeine, I've read that the tannins in tea block the body's caffeine receptors so you don't get the same stimulant effect as with coffee. I also know that I did not have as much trouble with insomnia during my heavy coffee-drinking years as I do now - I have to wonder if the stimulant effect of the caffeine actually helped me function to some extent despite my ADHD/ADD all those years.

Sorry to ramble on so, folks - guess I just needed to get this out - get it expressed - it's like I lived in one world for 60 years, and I'm now in a completely different world - a completely different realm of existence - and I'm still in shock! Thanks for listening. lynn09