Just when the heck am I going to be "emotionally ready," as my T says, to stop thinking, caring, obsessing, whatever over this guy? He's not some super human, god-like creature who deserves so much mental attention.

I always caved to his emotional bullying tactics. Never called his bluff on things like "if you do (or don't do)......I will do..... and you'll never......again." So now I'm scared you-know-whatless to test just how much is blowing hot air and how much is for real.

I blindly followed his lead for 17 years and I finally cracked and rebeled, and that's when the real, no-denying-it, everyone else can see it manipulation started in. The "You can't divorce me. I'm not meant to be divorced. I'm the kind of person who stays married forever. You can't leave. You can't survive without me. No one else will want you. You'll never get the kids. You're crazy. You'd still be in the hospital if I hadn't lied to the doctors so you could get out. You're having an affair with those two gay guys, the freak brothers,I just know it. "Someone" told me they saw you leaving the casino with a man, but I can't tell you who said it or you'll call them and go off on them. I know you're leaving the kids with strangers so you can go bleep other guys." Telling me I broke his pelvis on a Thursday, yet he was able to walk 18 holes of golf on Saturday. And then admitting later that a lot of what he said were lies just to see my reaction, but denying it now.

After getting out of the less than 3-day mental health unit stay, him calling the cops EVERY TIME I left the house without notifying him first. Culdn't even walk outside to get a breath of fresh air and some quiet time, or he thought I was going off to kill myself. In front of the cops I said "Why don't you just put a god damned tracking device on me?"

I've been out of our shared house for 5-1/2 years. Just how much longer before I don't give a crap about this guy in any way, shape, or form? We've got kids together and I see him weekly, see the house he's still living in with someone else, that still has my name on the deed since he keeps making excuses for why he can't refinance. It's not like I can just go have some mind sweep done to make me forget that he ever existed in my life. Half of his DNA is present in this place all the frickin time.

He's always held an attitude that he's superior to EVERYONE, not just me. So why do I hold the distorted belief that he can ruin my life at will? I've never seen him do it to anyone else. Oh, nooooo, because he's too nice of a guy to hurt a fly. He's so tolerant and open minded and understanding and thoughtful and supportive and insightful. What a load of CRAP!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I wonder how I came out of it all as intact as I am, but I still feel like I'm full of cracks that his poison seeps into and eats me away from the inside.

Guess I need someone to perform an exorcism on me.