Bluemonkey2 I can understand where you are coming from. I am disappointed with myself and not happy where my life is right now. I feel like i messed up my life and I am middleaged also and feeling like what now. I have posted a few times and didn't get a response but i continue to post because other times people did respond to me. Don't give up. Keep coming here and keep posting. It is helpful. You received several posts this time and you just have to keep reaching out. I don't have any wise words for you on your situation unfortunately because i'm in the same boat and don't know how to deal with it. But like i said this site has helped me and alot of people have really helpful comments so please continue posting. You can pm me as well. I may take a while to get it because if forget to check sometimes. But i will try to check more often. Hang in there ok!