so many thoughts racing through this mind tonight. very very difficult to stay focused on the “now”. memories flood back and fear takes hold as the memories try to revisit the agony that was inflicted. the excruciating pain that never ends. the battle is with family now. evil cruel people who's only desire is to inflict pain. but it is mixed crazy with the other memories, and the fear is ten-fold tonight.

to defend, also thoughts of cleaning a gun, but only a scary fleeting thought, we are incapable of what was easy for the other that started the hurt. out of great fear to defend at all costs what has been preserved, the little bit of life that has been allowed to remain to try and find a semblance of peace within the memories. we are taught this is wrong, that it is more blessed to forgive. but we cannot forgive. they took something precious and even though we know we cannot have it back ever, we want for them to suffer what we suffered at their hands. but this is wrong. justice must come from a higher hand.

why do the memories still cling like sweat on skin boiled in the summer heat and continues to form, never wiped away completely. will it ever not exist, this place it has become so entrenched in in this brain? will the memories ever go away?

it is said that to face it to turn and stare the monster in the face, to beg God for the courage, to beg God for the strength. to tell the monster it has no power here. but it does. ohh it does.

giving up is not an option. i feel the pain but i feel the glory. i will not ever let it win. they won’t take that away. not ever again.

i am a coward through and through tonight. i am allowing my dear sis to fight this old battle for me that i lost so many times over the years and finally hid away, or so i thought. but i took the pain from this other hurt and put it inside along with the other pains. it has been hidden deep away. another held it but now it is in my face. last night *I* went “away” again. happening more and more now. but in a strange way am glad there is this option. an escape within from the hurt where I can be safe and protected and watched over and sanity is preserved, tested, but staying strong.

the “others” aren’t whole entities but pieces, or are they so hidden i cannot see them? yet they take hold and allow the numbness to blur the memories. always the memories. they are closer now than ever before. i feel them lapping at my feet, crawling up my legs. i scream as they advance. then blessed “sleep” returns to take me away.

but the tears, oh the tears. where do so many tears come from? therapist said today: “you have hidden inside for so long, staying numb to stay strong. now you are allowing the feelings, the emotions to be felt. facing the pain will be hard. maybe harder than anything you have ever done. but being whole again is on the other side. don’t ever give up.”

am so tired. am so weary. this new/old battle about family is consuming me, threatening to destroy again the wall that i built. cruel evil family. never told, never shared. now sis knows and is facing them to stop them. am so scared. but it’s time. *i* know that now. it is time. once the feelings started, it was assured that obstacles would appear and they have.

am waiting to hear. a meeting has been set. she is so strong. she has God with her and my spirit as much as can be allowed.

reaching towards the light, sis and i will hold hands and be strong. the evil will not win this time. not ever ever again.