Hi Sittingatwatersedge,

Thanks for being concerned about me. The fact that you told me your radar bumped on and your alarm bells rang made me think twice about what i'm wanting to do. And, yes, this is one of the two people i had problems with in the past, those former older women friends who treated me somewhat like a mother but then rejected me. I know i've grieved for literally "years" about the pain they caused me and the ending of the relationships with them. Because it has been nearly impossible for me to let them go emotionally, I guess i feel good because now they want me back in their life. Child parts are ready to just forget the pain and try again. But I'm listening to what my t and h are saying -- and you guys here at PC -- before i make any decision to start emailing this woman.

I think that, with therapy under my belt, the adult part of me is strong enough to make boundaries with her and probably enforce them. But child parts of me were devastated by her criticism and rejecting attitude when we finally hit a point where we disagreed on something. There's no proof that it wouldn't happen again at some point. It's that part of me that i worry about. What if we hit a snag again later and she got rejecting, and the relationship had to end again? Child parts of me would probably go through the same devastation and inability to let go all over again.

On the other hand, I've known her for 25 years and i really believe she loves me. When i ran into her after a long time of having no contact, she cried and told me how much she missed me. She has said I'm like a daughter to her. She has seen me through a lot of things over the years. We also share the same religious faith, so i've felt a bond from that. It's really, really hard to make the decision not to pursue the relationship again. Why does it have to be so hard?

Recently, i got in touch with another old friend -- not an older mother figure, but a peer, someone who's 3 years older than me. We used to be friends, but our relationship suffered a bit when i got depressed because she didn't understand why i wasn't wanting to socialize, and then she and her husband moved up to the mountains about 45 minutes away from where i live. We haven't kept in touch for several years, but i ran into her at a convention for our religion, and we exchanged numbers.

Two weeks ago, we did lunch, and it was nice. We made a comfortable transition back into conversation and it was like there hadn't been very much time since we'd been together. I've been thinking it would nice to be in touch with her again occasionally, and am pretty sure she'd be a safe friend for me. We have quite a bit in common, and i don't feel any of the "mother pull" with her because we're close to the same age. Still, being with her doesn't create the same hunger/draw/need in me that going back to my older women friends does. Those other relationships feel more important and necessary to me, almost like air. I don't understand why this is such a struggle for me to let them go.