((((DancingAlone))))

Thank you for posting. I know that it was hard to write and post, and that you are feeling so many things right now. But know that you are not alone even though I know it feels alone. You are where you need to be right now and even though it is feeling so painful and hard you will make it. You survived when it happened and you will survive the memories.

I understand the very things you are talking about and how the memories engulf you and feel as though you are right back there once again. But it will let up with time and as you face this. Hold onto what you know that the memories cannot kill you for you already have gone through it. I know that is hard hon, I do get that for when we walk through those very memories and feelings that we once blocked out it seems anything but like memories. Almost as if it is happening once again but it is not.

As far as forgiveness, the forgiveness you give is to release yourself. What happened is unforgiveable but to forgive is to allow yourself to release it's hold on you. So many times we hold things so close that it ends up retraumatizing us and we punish ourselves for what was never own fault and what belongs on them. Forgiveness is allowing yourself the freedom from blaming yourself and freeing you not those that are responsible. (I know this is hard as I am trying to find this within myself).

Each time you face something you take back your power and a piece of yourself that they stole that never was theirs to take in the first place. They have already lost as you are standing and facing those things that hold you. Releasing yourself from their hold and allowing yourself to feel for the first time what is yours to feel. As hard as it is it will release you from that hold. You deserve to heal and to feel free from those things. It was never your fault.

I hear the fear you are talking about and I can say that in many ways I do get that fear. That underlying fear that drapes everything and holds us hostage. Facing that fear releases its hold. I do know that it is hard and it feels as though it will last forever but as you face it, it loses its power little by little. Each time you look it in the face as hard as it is it loses a little more of its grip that seems at times to choke and devour you.

I hope this makes some kind of sense for I know what I am trying to say but sometimes my words seem to be afar off away from myself right now. What you said makes sense and maybe because I can relate and connect to so much of what you said right now it feels so close. Sometimes knowing what to do and doing it is so hard but I believe in you and know that even as hard as it is you will be okay.

Keep reaching hon and posting as you can. You are doing a great job. I know it is hard and I know it takes so much out of you. Try to allow yourself breaks and give yourself extra care as you are going through this. Remember to breath and know that you are not alone and are so cared for and loved. We are listening and hearing you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps