Quote:
Originally Posted by Rapunzel
Children have to attach to their caregivers in order to survive, even if the caregivers are abusive. Victims of kidnapping and hostage-taking also develop some attachment to the people who hold them hostage and often defend the kidnappers. This is because their survival depended on those people, and that attachment helped them to survive. If you grew up with abusive people, you probably associated a lot of the dynamics of those relationships with being cared for. That is why survivors are often attracted to new people who treat them similarly.
Also, nobody is all bad or all good. In relationships with people who "are not good for you," not everything they do is harmful. You can ask yourself what you are getting out of those relationships, as well as how you might be getting hurt in those relationships. What is familiar might feel comfortable, and it might even feel very strange and hard to tolerate when someone treats you with genuine concern if it is different from what you are used to. What is familiar at least feels somewhat predictable and might give you some sense of control.
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Hi Rupunzel,
You made alot of interesting points. What you said about hostages developing attachment for those who take them captive reminded me of Elizabeth Smart, who initially protected her captor by telling the police that she wasn't who she was.
I didn't grow up in an abusive household, but there was alot of yelling and criticizing. My dad ridiculed my feelings and pointed out my mistakes repeatedly. My mom didn't do anything to stick up for me or help i understand why. So I grew up assuming i was a bad child who was incompetent and did everything wrong. I've never felt capable of taking care of myself emotionally. Ever since my childhood, I've been looking for a friend who is strong and wise, who will accept my feelings, while also being protective of me. Instead, i get bound up with people who at first seem to accept me -- love me even -- but eventually end up trying to control my life and getting angry and critical when i don't go along with their advice. The thing is, though, that i look up to them and believe they know more than i do about myself and about life. And i want their approval very much. So i go along with it for a long time, feeling good about their caring and protectiveness, until one day when i realize that i feel like a captive and that they don't really love me for who i am.
I don't think these friends were or are all bad. But maybe there just weren't enough boundaries or something. They didn't know the difference between offering their opinion or advice, and trying to take over. And i was just so grateful for their help and advice that i didn't feel like i was being taken advantage of.
What really concerns me, though, is knowing that despite their controlling ways, i miss these friends and a part of me would gladly go back to allowing them to dictate too much of my life in order to feel safe and cared about again. That part of me feels very messed up and deeply rooted, and I'm afraid sometimes i won't be able to change that part of me.