There is a Personality Disorder Test which I took when I suggested to my therapist that I had AvPD. Sure enough, I was at the top of the scale. I am a textbook case.

Yes, secrets. Yes to terror at the "real me" being discovered. At this moment, a friend has invited me to come visit. I am practically housebound out of fear of people at this point in my life. This is an effort to reconnect after years of not seeing each other due to work, family, etc. I love her, but am terrified to go. I think: Why would she want to see me? What do I have to offer her since I am such a empty blank person? What will I wear so that I will fit in and not be out of place and thus ridiculed (not by her but by others around us)? She is reaching out to me, she is non-judgmental and supportive always, and I am even afraid of her. I am ashamed of who I am and afraid she will see how pathetic I am.

In interactions with people, everything I say and do is measured to the nth degree for appropriateness so that no one will dislike me and/or verbally attack me. If they expressed those emotions to me, I would be paralyzed and devastated. I yearn for relationships, but I reject every single offer anyone makes toward me because I am so afraid. I am like a robot, constantly scanning my environment for {emotional} danger.

I need anonymity and like being invisible. A store clerk paying attention to me is painful unless I actively seek it out and need them. I want to be invisible, unnoticed and never the center of attention.

Criticism and rejection are always paramount in my mind. I won't subject myself to situations where that can happen. I stay as neutral and under-the-radar as possible so no one will notice me. If they don't see me, they can't take issue with me.

All of my romantic relationships are with men who sought me out. I paced myself to make ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that they were a sure thing before I even allowed myself to share anything. One said early on: "talk to me." THAT coming from a MAN? (this is a man joke, see I do at least have a sense of humor!) is pretty unusual.

And with friendships, people who pursued friendship with me and were highly accepting and supportive were the only ones let into my inner circle. I have never exposed myself to the risk of attempting to make friends with someone. They must make the first move, and if I am interested and they pass the "sincerety/safety" test, then......maybe. Then I pushed them all away because of fear of unworthiness and shame. So finally, they quit asking. And of course I wouldn't pursue them, because of fear of rejection.

CBT? Yeah, it's ok. I get practically BEGGED by my therapist to take small steps to get out of the house and expose myself to social settings. I don't except for signing up for a class recently (it's structured so there is no pressure on me to talk to others).

I also started Diablectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It teaches coping skills to deal with overhwelming emotions such as fear, shame, anger, sadness, etc. It's a group setting and you must participate. It was one of the most difficult steps I ever took, and I admit to taking tranquilizers before the first meeting. But it was ok. It actually is something I look forward to now. I think it's helping me with my panic and raging emotions. And I have to interact with people in a "safe" setting so it's a small step.

So anyway, sorry for the long post, but if you think you have AvPD, see if they will administer the MCMI-III Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory - III. I probably should't have had to figure out this diagnosis by myself - in retrospect, I think it was pretty obvious - but my therapist definitely was eager for me to take the test and help decipher the results.