yeah - time lapses - and also - i like remember things and doing them - i remember them differently. Today -

I just passed near an old man in the street - not VERY old...like that. guess in his 60 or 50s. He had a bike. He called me sweetie. I was passing and getting away from his bike and he was climbing on it and turning. Rationally afterwards i thought all he wanted was me to move so he doesn`t run his bike into me, but at the moment i started walking faster, my jaw clenched, my body tense but moving freely, sure that this is an old evil ****, that i have seconds - find a stick to push down his throat, or if there is no stick just a fist into his face that will break his nose.

It was like a black hole in my consciousness was tearing the moment i went ahead of his bike and he said "hey sweetie". He followed me on his bike until i crossed the street. When there was an intersection he turned and i understood he wasn`t following me. This is such a similar experience to flash backs.

It was late morning. The crowded city. Nothing.When he was behind i found a place sat and almost crying. All i felt was as if i was nearly raped. I wasn`t. It was just an old fool probably simply asking me to move that silly way! "Hey sweetie". My brain was all calculating attack. My body was all preparing for it. My heart was filled with enormous rage. Such rage...you have no idea.

Then i just felt dizzy and nauseous and wanted to cry. and until now i am feeling like i was nearly raped. I am ****ing TERRIFIED. That was an attack of my consciousness on me!! And until now - well i assume i should quit caffeine altogether..and..well - this incident just made me fall apart - triggering so much more flash backs...

I bought sleeping pills...they helped to calm me down. Not sleep yet.