I totally understand your feelings. I went to our family reunion and forced myself to smile for the pictures. I went to Hershey Park with my grandkids and forced myself to smile. Now my daughter has asked me to host a baby shower for her next month, and I dread doing it. I've already done the invitations and feel that I have to do this for her. I just wish that I could have a good time. I've been in a deep depression for 11 months where I really have no feelings at all. Anhedonia is what I believe I have. I've been on numerous meds and been in the hospital twice in the last year. No one or no institution has been able to help me feel again. Having to plan a party and act like everthing is fine is very difficult. I was at my graddaughter's 3rd birthday last Sunday, and all I wanted to do was to really smile, you know, a true smile from inside that comes from love. I've lost all ability to feel happiness and show it. I just finished 6 weeks of TMS treatments, and I was unable to even cry for 10 months, and just two weeks ago cried @ my counseling session. My therapist said that it was good to finally be able to feel some emotion and show it. But I'm nowhere happy inside, and now with parties coming with the holiday season, I dread faking it again. It was good that you were able to do the party for your daughter. I hope that you will able to feel happiness again soon.