suzzie,

I understand exactly what you're describing. That's exactly what I have done, and still find myself struggling with. Talking about the thoughts and emotions here is much more helpful, for me, than continuing to repress the memories.

While I don't exactly enjoy talking about these thoughts and experiences, the repression really caused troubles for me. Troubles that I just couldn't grasp, edges of little memories that popped into my mind every couple of years. It scared the bejeezers out of me every single time, and I'd go into a panic trying to keep those memories held deeply inside. Man, that sucked!!

I do remind myself of that every now and then ~ to get through the miserable feelings: guilt, shame, self-hate. While my connected emotions are illogical, and people automatically point that out, I still feel them. What has really helped me in my process is for my T to validate those horrible feelings that I feel. We hope that, eventually, those emotions will become less and less intense (and perhaps disappear). Irrational or not, you have those feelings. That is okay. It is okay to blame yourself. It is okay to hate yourself for letting these things happen to you. BUT, you don't have to stew in those emotions forever.

There are still other safe things in this life that you can enjoy. Try to pay more attention to those things that don't bring up the instant self-hate emotions and thoughts. It takes a little bit of time, but you can slowly build that release bridge. A safe place for you to go to (in imagination or physically) and regain a greater sense of calm.

Gentle hugs..