I had a bad day recently. Why, you may ask, did I not post seeking support or at least complaining at the time? The answer to that should become apparent in the telling, but briefly, when my worst times strike I withdraw deeply into myself, usually exhausted.
Summary
- Encountered upsetting Web information.
- Triggered by startling event.
- Experienced “major episode.” (A form of panic attack?)
- Slowly recovered.
Prelude
I enjoy funny, silly stories from real life. In one such collection on the Web I found several items simultaneously entertaining and disturbing. They featured school detention slips, highlighting some of the odd things for which students have been punished, such as...
I read, shook my head while chuckling in half-disbelief, and sank slowly into a Foul Mood.
The Trigger
A noise. It was an odd, clunky noise. Mrs. Rohag uttered some sort of distress cry. I immediately “caught her emotion” (a problematic personal trait) and went on high alert. Running into the kitchen, I saw the refrigerator door had fallen off its hinges. I composed myself enough to work with Mrs. Rohag to temporarily secure the door, but it fell off again.
That second startle served as the detonator for the main explosive.
The Event
Derealization started to set in; I felt “it” as a rushing wave. In the last seconds of semi-clarity I whipped off my glasses and roughly tossed them out of reach on a counter. I sat on a chair. The self-rage and terror closed around me.
Maybe it was twenty heavy slaps I landed on my head, maybe forty. My screaming reached a peak, fell, and rose again. I ended up on the floor beating myself with the end of my strength and screaming out the last fragments of my voice. Transition to exhaustion, withdrawal, mute silence.
The Aftermath
Time passed. Less than an hour, I think. The deep disinclination to communicate lasted into the next day, but my voice would not return for about three full days. At least I could type.
Discussion
That was what I call a “major episode.” They may occur with no apparent trigger, but usually they seize me when I confront something stressful or even merely startling. My above description is imperfect for my reality gets skewed when these things happen. Meds may have reduced their frequency, but nothing works as a better preventative than isolating myself from almost all sources of stress.
(For the record, I also experience “minor episodes” - sudden, nonviolent withdrawal events during which I become unresponsive to my environment.)
Mrs. Rohag has had a decade to get used to these uncontrolled events and is nonchalant about them. No one can stop the train once it starts rolling; she simply gets out of the way – especially as I may flail or throw something (in the above incident I backhanded a pair of inexpensive reading glasses; we later found them bent but unbroken, but coffee stains are still on the ceiling from an earlier episode).
So, what's going on in my head during the event?
The doctors have ruled out any form of epilepsy, though I do suffer from overactive myoclonus. Current professional opinion holds these episodes are best explained by Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Conversely, these are my nonscientific musings: 1) I'm enraged at myself for whatever “bad” thing has occurred – I'm responsible, you see, for everything bad or inconvenient that happens, and I'm simultaneously terrified by my own rage, 2) something deep inside will not allow me to direct my anger outward, so I keep repressing it until it explodes, and I direct the force against myself.
It's going to happen again, and, thanks (?) to my meds, I don't care it's going to happen again. I have to live with this thing and just hope I don't hurt anyone else or seriously hurt myself.
The Question
Does anyone else experience anything similar? What labels have professionals placed on your “events?”