Decided to start new post. Not sure if i should keep posting here or put in relationships. Oh well maybe next time i'll move it. So Maybe you've read my living situation post, maybe you haven't. I guess it gets tedious after a while especially since my posts are long. Anyway I do feel like i'm going to lose my mind. I am beyond stressed, beyond angry, beyond hurt, beyond disgusted with my own self for being in this position of needing someone. I want to just pack my stuff and leave and i feel like i can't. I don't feel like i can handle financially being on my own. Even mentally i'm not sure i could do it, to be honest. I've been with my bf for so long and i have become attached and yes dependent. I hate myself because of this. He knows this too thats why he pays no attention to me when i say i'm leaving. I cannot take having someone else in the apartment with me. I know I rant and rave about this subject practically every day but i feel like its going to be my downfall, i really do. At this point i hope for my death to come so i can have peace. That is how much it is affecting me. I can't seem to get through to my bf or some friends how much this is affecting me in a negative way. I am beyond miserable. I am having panic attacks, last night i kept waking up screaming, i was dreaming i was being attacked. I don't sleep well at all. And I just really need to be alone. I am a very private person and i didn't want his family or anyone knowing i am not working and on disability. Now that his neice is here she sees me home everyday and she knows i have money because she sees me taking it out of the atm. Alot of the time I am in bed, i used to be able to stay in bed all day if i wanted to, not that its a good thing but its my home i should be able to do that if i want to. Now she is always asking me if i'm ok, am i sick. I can't do anything. I can't even be online in peace. She sits across from me talking, or looking to see what i'm doing. She'll even ask what are you looking at. What are you doing. I know she doesn't mean any harm but it is annoying. I just want to be alone. We only have one tv and one computer. She gets bored of the computer and wants to watch tv, she'll then come in the room with me, she talks while i'm trying to watch tv because she likes to talk. I don't want to talk though. This is the problem, she is a talker and i am not, i don't feel the need to talk all the time, i like quiet. Then she told me her crazy father has been calling her and texting her to come over to his house to talk to him. When he doesn't get his way he threatens people. She was staying with a family friend and he was threatening her, telling her he was going to make trouble for her. He calls child protective services and complains about whoever she is staying with. I was under the impression he wanted her here. But because she is ignoring his calls he told her he was going to call and make trouble for my bf and me . He has been calling child protective services and they have been calling here. He said he was going to have the state stop giving me money (WHAT?) Now why would he say that and what makes him think i am getting money from "the state"? She must have told someone that i don't work but i am getting money from somewhere. This is why i didn't want her or anyone in his family staying here. They are nosy and they have serious issues. Ever since i moved here to be with him it has been one problem after another with his family members. We have not been able to really be happy and have peace and a life of our own. They call constantly complaining about something and wanting him to do something, or wanting him to come over. They can't leave him alone. I can't stand it. But again this is my own fault because i knew this and i stayed and hoped i could just deal with it and that nothing really bad would happen. I thought that since nobody has moved in with us because we have such a small place, then it would never happen. I thought my bf would never allow it and that he would put me and us first. Why i would think that when he has always thought of them and their needs first all the time, is beyond me. So now his crazy brother is threatening me. Also, my bf and his other brother are trying to talk her out of moving to california with her mentor. She has no where to stay here and she is not going to give her baby up so why would they do that? I haven't been able to ask yet. I did write a really angry letter to my bf. I told him his decision has made me miserable in my own home and i don't even want to be in here, when i'm out i don't want to come home. I said now your brother is trying to make trouble for us, all this is because of your decision. And there is nothing i can do about it. You make me feel like i have no choice but to move and be alone again, and struggling. He took it with him to work but don't know if he read it. Sometimes he reads a few sentences and gets mad and stops. My feelings are not important. I hate my life, I hate my self for not being self sufficient enough to be able to just leave. I want to scream, i want to trash the entire apartment, break stuff, i'm so angry right now. I do feel like i am losing it. I worry that one day i'm going to just come out and say to her i really can't have someone living in here, can you go and stay with your other uncle, or someone else? My bf would be furious, he may stop speaking to me or who knows move out. I don't know what he would do but he would be really mad if i did that. He feels he has no choice but to let her stay. He doesn't want his family to think he is turning his back on her. I get that but at the same time, i'm suffering, i really am. Why can't he get that? Why can't anyone just get that? All of this anger and stress is going to cause me to have a heart attack or stroke or something. I feel like something bad is going to happen. Meanwhile my bf says he feels overwhelmed because i guess he feels stuck in the middle. I guess i'm supposed to be sorry. I don't think so!