For my whole entire life I've been a very paranoid person, Im scared of dying, but yet I contemplate suicide, Im scared of failure, death, and the "unknown".

I am scared that I will end up in the future like I am now: lonely, depressed, ugly, and broke. I want to be sucessful and have a nice life, but I am just afraid that I'll be living under my mom for the rest of her life, Im only 18 and so much has happened that I'm scared that I'm about to fail at life. I'm not in college like im supposed to be (**** happens;I got into one but I couldn't go) so now Im trying to get into college in the spring but it's taking so long and I've never had a job, I've applied for millions of jobs in the last 2 years and have only been on 2 interviews and it makes me think that I won't ever in my life get a job because I haven't had one yet, and then If I do go off to college Im gonna be scared because I don't know what's gonna happen!

And I'm scared that Im gonna die, like back during the new year in 1999 I cried hysterically (I was 7 years old) because I had heard the world was gonna end, and when I realized the world was still there I was ok, but when people hype up doomsday predictions they apparently don't understand that people are gonna get SCARED! and now I have to constantly search the internet finding out if 2012 is real or not, I have heard from scientists that it's not, but WTFFF? Im scared!

I hate not knowing what my future is gonna be like because apparently I have no control over my life at this point, I try and try and try until I can't try any more at things, but I don't know what to do, you know how they say "chase your dreams" or "go for it"? go for WHAT? I've chased my dreams AWAY to the point where it's SO impossible for me to achieve anything, for instance, I enrolled into a uni here and everything was ok, but now the financial aid deadline has passed and the first college I was going to my financial aid never kicked in at all and I had applied several months in advance and I can't get grants/scholarships because I've tried and I suck. And plus the major is not my passion in life. I really wanna go to one of The Art Institutes but I don't know if I wanna stay here, and the application fee is $100?! and we don't even have money to eat and pay rent, and they want $100...But guess what? I don't have $100 because I can't get a ****ING JOB!!!!

I had to go to the ER a few months ago because apparently there is a HUGE polyp in my intestines and it swells every time I get stressed out, causing me to not have an appetite, get smaller, and look uglier, but I can't help it, IT'S STILL IN THERE; IT WAS TOO BIG TO REMOVE!!!

I have meds to take but I can't take them every day, I have to save them for when I get out on my own b/c Im scared of people. Besides, if we are gonna die in 2012 what's the point of trying? shouldn't I just kill myself and get it over with?