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Nov 11, 2010, 12:26 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 352
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Here's a journal entry that i wrote, this is only the first part, but i thought that i would attach the first part could I have some feedback and some guidance, opinions, anything. I can't talk about this in real life because no one understands me. My family suspects me to be straight and my counselor keeps avoiding the topic. I'm not sure how to go about this. All it's doing for me is causing really big confusion and deep upsets.:
Monday, November 8, 2010 1:16 am
Journal Entry
Conny’s Quote from Skills Coaching: “Be in the moment and act four because four year olds are the most mindful creatures on earth”
Thinking about what Conny said, if I were being mindful, that if I was mindful when I was four, maybe I wouldn’t be as ****ed up sa I am now. Maybe I would have gotten help or maybe I wouldn’t have still been here. Maybe if I was mindful enough as a fetus, I would have just crawled back in and wouldn’t have ever been conceived. Wow, God, I’m messed up and going crazy. I’m trying to take Conny’s advice skillfully and I have, but I’m analyzing it too deeply. If I was really a “four year old mindful ‘creature,’” what the hell would I be like? I was one different kid. A kid, who was jumping from preschool to preschool every few months, then went to elementary school just to not fit in. I don’t see myself as being a very mindful four-year old. More like a messed up four year old who was left. Finally, maybe if I was mindful enough, if I was mindful while during the process of conception, maybe I would have turned into a boy instead of a girl like I really wish that I was, then I would have been accepted. Who knows though, maybe then my birth mother might not have died and destiny could have changed, but God’s plan changes for reasons that we can’t explain and maybe and probably I’ll never know, so I might has well just accept it now and move on. Life is a pile of tough crap, deal with it and move on.
Thanks for reading all of this trash,
 ~ dance59326 ~
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"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown
"To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment"
Thich Nhat Hanh
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