I dont understand how so many people manage to go through life, just riding it as it comes and coping!!
I cant do it, i understand that being Bipolar has serious effect on this.
I NEED pause button, but i ALWAYS need a pause button.
I've set my life up, i made so many changes because i was so depressed then my mood went sky high and i was coping with those changes, now i just want to go and hide in a nice warm cupboard for a few months.
This time last year i worked full time in a bank, my performance as sales woman had gone from 5th in the area to 72nd in the space of two months, i went into the worst depressive state of my life, i was living with my best friend and i couldnt see a way out, after a few months, my mood gradually improved, in Jan i moved in with my mum, in April i decided i was going to college, so i saved my money up and in August i left the bank and september went to college, i got myself a nice little job in a charity shop across the road from where i live.
And apart from mania that hit in september life was good, the mania ACTUALLY helped, cause it meant i started college thinking i was the best, i put al my effort and concentration into that. I got through my work interviews to get my job, which usually anxiety would make me fail.
SO now my mood is dropping rapidly i feel i set myself up to fail miserably.
I have been off college since monday through illness and went back today, my creativity wasnt there, i couldnt bring myself to speak and started not being able to breathe.
I have work fri, sat sun, monday all ful days, then back at college tues, wednes, thurs.... If i call in sick to work, they wil want to know why, my mum will go mad cause she just REFUSES to understand, even thought she gave up work completely for some mild anxiety, she is over it now and still hasnt gone back.. I havent been in my job long enough to take any time off.. I dont want to miss college cause the only thing that i am sure about in my life is that want to be a make-up artist which is why i am at college, so if i miss any work then, i will only have myself to blame if i fail.
I havent slept for 4 nights now, but i am sooo tired, there is so much in my head.
I'm already morbidly Obese, and they're going to put me on quetiapine next week where i know i wont have the self discipline not to eat whatever i fancy!!
I'm at that point where i literally havent got a clue what to do, i just want the world to stop, my brain to stop, so i can sleep, for a few weeks and then prepare to face life again!!

Metaphor

Feels like i am shovelling snow, in the middle of a blizzard...

Sorry for the rant.
i only joined a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life i have been able to tell REAL people how i feel. Whenver faces with a person in a real life my voice box takes a hoilday my mind goes blank and i lose the ability to say how i feel. so this forum is working really well for me.
My head gets so full and the thoughts have nowhere to go.
ok i am finished now