Caroline,
You wrote,[...can you be a bit clearer?...].
Your depression that you describe has a way to be overcome. My perspective of how that can happen may be unbeknowing to others here and could seem to be different and not be able to be understood by some. Since I was responding to your post, if you would like to know about the light that dispells the depression, I think that others could respond in their way to you on the thread at large and that we could have our own unique discussion via the PM system here.
Lou