Two sessions ago, my T suggested an assignment. Write down all the things I found attractive in my ex and figure out which one or ones was keeping me emotionally tied to him so I could finally toss all my emotions towards him aside.

Then he told me that another client with a similar problem did the same exercise and by the next week she was completely over her ex.

Well, I did the assignment and realized it was the financial help that I still missed. But it didn't take away the constant ruminating and worrying about what he's thinking as far as my parenting. I mean, I wake up in the morning and one of the first things that enters my mind totally involuntarily is "Tony."

T says I must be getting some gain out of it, because we don't do things we don't like and then throw his hands up and says "OK, so this is how it's going to be. Then accept that this is who you are."

I don't WANT to have this guy always sitting in the back of my brain telling me that I'm doing things wrong because I'm not doing them his way. I even get triggered when someone asks me a political question, because he used to want me to debate with him so he could prove that Republicans are the better party. I even had to hang up on a survey taker a few months ago because I started getting panicky when I had no clue about the issues she was asking about.

T says I speak faster and get emotional when I relate things about the ex, and that some people are just tragedy junkies. Something always has to be wrong in their lives.

In my first session he said I need to stop playing the victim.

Anyway, I got off track. Now I feel like I'm not doing therapy right because I didn't have the miraculous recovery like another patient. I know that everyone goes at their own pace. Maybe this other woman wasn't emotionally manipulated and abused. I was. I was threatened with what he'd do if I didn't do things his way. I was always too intimidated to cross him, so I don't know what he's actually capable of. And THAT'S why I'm still worried of what he might do if I don't comply. I don't comply, but still worry because we're in a custody revision battle that I initiated. So maybe he's storing up all the things he thinks I'm doing wrong so his lawyer can grill me in court.

T asks something like "what has he done in the past that has you so worried that he can hurt you?" I haven't thought to say "nothing, because I always caved in to his demands. I don't know what he could do."

His dad has a lot of money, so there's always the thinking that he'll run to him to break out the big guns. He swears he doesn't share his personal problems with anyone, not even family because it's no one's business. He stretches the truth on a lot of things, so maybe this is one of them.

I just don't know. And not knowing is what keeps me on edge. And this is where T and a lot of other people would say "stop worrying about something that might not happen. Don't waste the energy. Use it for yourself. "

Maybe t's waiting for me to tell him "stop comparing me to other people. I'm not other people. I'M ME!!!" Who knows?