I feel your pain and am sorry your suffering. I feel like i will never get rid of depression either. I feel like i will never be normal. It is horrible to feel like you want to kill yourself on a daily basis. I don't necessarily think that way anymore i do wish i would get sick or get in an accident and die though. I thought of doing TMS but was scared. I read there were side effects. I thought also about ECT and am scared of that too because of side effects like loss of memory and maybe headaches. I did read that patients alot of times see great improvement with their symptoms and have changed their outlook on life and become more positive. I know its annoying trying different meds all the time. You should do more research on ECT. That actually may be helpful to you. If things don't get better for me soon I may be looking into it again. Treatment resistant depression is horrible, no one should have to go through it. Good luck to you, your in my thoughts and prayers.