thank you both for your support. it means more than i can say.

for better or for worse, my wonderful sis has sent emails in an effort to hold accountable past hurts with family. she is so brave. i am synical as i know these people too well and don't expect them to ever change. but maybe i will finally have a legal closure at best, a written guarantee they will forever leave me alone is what she is asking, as i found out they spent over $5,000 in their cruel attempts to destroy me. i have pages of certified letters filled with venom, greed, oh it hurts. but in the end it was all for nothing. they couldn't do a thing. the lawyer i hired charged me $zero, told them they had no case and said if i ever needed his help again to call.

but the flashbacks this caused from them and mixed with the past others did me great damage, which miraculously has led to great joy.

i made it thru this awful awful week thanks to friends and sis. ohh, i love all of you! am getting ready to sleep. tomorrow am going to the casino and HAVE FUN! (they sent me $95 free money 'cause i only go once-twice a year and it builds up, and i have a free room too).

and the most important thing. i had an alter appear early wednesday morning. her name is Bonnie and she is a "no nonsense" type of woman. no smiles, no heavy emotions, a firm countenance, just gently "it's time to sleep now." she covered me with my grounding blanket as i lay weak, lifeless and crying. it was like i fell into a coma and she was distant but there and i clung to her "image"? like a wounded animal, desperate. she used my hands to write sis a very short note "P---- is asleep now. She will be alright. We will take care of her." i watched her write it, but i couldn't hardly lift my hands "myself", how did she? wow wow wow.

when i woke up i felt "free" somehow and like coming out of a dream into the light.

(this is to my savior here at PC) to darkpurplesecrets, my wonderful wonderful friend and mentor, you have allowed me to see this person because i am not hiding much anymore. your groups are allowing those within to "be". i heard them talking too before i drifted off to sleep yesterday. weak and broken, i finally "allowed" them to help me.

i knew. i knew. but my damned stubborn hypervigilance stopped them. stopped ME from seeing them and knowing i am protected!!!!! but the pain was so intense and i think was why i let her "take over". just couldn't do it myself anymore. pdoc knows i was deathly afraid of "letting go" inside, afraid *I* would never come back. but it didn't happen that way! i didn't know.

i know this rare sense of peace won't last, and i will be hearing too soon answers to my dear brave sis from her communication with evil family. but for now i will smile while i can.

it is supposed to be a beautiful day friday here in the southeast. i plan on enjoying the getting away "for real, in my car" lol and having a bit of fun.

...and now, laundry, packing, good things!