Yes thats how I felt today in T to start, all jumbled up, woke up steaming angry after having a day yesterday where everything made sense. I was lacking faith that todays session would give me the relief therapy most times can, but it did. As I tried to explain reluctantly to T about the anger I feel and frustrations and blah blah blah I felt like I was drawing T into my confusion, but of course I wasn't and when I finally looked round at T she was sitting there with a smile on her face, and I began to sort of laugh then and then.

T asked if my anger seemed to be getting worse? I said after thinking about it that yes it does, it seems like for a long time now I've lost something I had before. T said but you had it yesterday? I said, yeah I guess then T said I think your slowly allowing yourself to be angry in the world around you, not just splitting it off. Yeah that fit when she said that, I use to angry in an AA internet forum but left that group months ago when I realised I dont even like the people there nor like AA, it was just a place to vent my anger keeping my outside life protected from it, but now I am getting angry at things in the world now, and it feels yuk fo now, I can't split my anger off I'm aware of it now, though its harder for now, it is a step forward T said.

We talked about how I lack that feeling of entitlement, that I dont feel entitled to take things for granted, ie to be cared for, to get what I deserve etc and its that route feeling that triggers the anger. I said yeah that fits too but how do you change that core part of you? T said well I think you have to begin to "act as if" at first, I said but that dont always last and I forget then I'm stuck in that powerless place again, and T said yes its not easy but thats all we can say for now, just keep acting as if, use your intellect when your head is telling you negative stuff.

I left today with a greater awareness of my angery part today, realised just how I did keep it in one place and numbed myself everywhere else, now? I'm just f**king angry full stop LOL!!!

It was another productive session.