Hi Savako, and welcome to the forums. Sounds like you really have a lot on your plate right now. I can't tell you what's wrong... but I hear that you're not happy at all with the way things are going. You seem to have an large amount of stress in your life. I know you say that seeing your father's picture of himself with a gun to his head wasn't scary, but I don't see how it couldn't help but give you awful thoughts. That's really tough. Nor does it sound like your childhood was any easier.

I'm not sure of your age right now, or what your options are about people to talk to. Are you in highschool? Any chance of talking to a guidance counselor or teacher you trust? Is the school psychologist anyone you would consider talking to? I know, for myself, in highschool I couldn't find anyone I would have considered talking to, but looking back now, I realize there were a lot of people that would have talked to me if I'd given them half a chance.

Keep talking here about whatever you need to, but think about finding someone you can talk to in person as well. They can really make a difference.

Take Care, Quay