Hi Lynn09!

Always glad to read your response....no judgment in your response, just telling me the benefits of doing "X" so that I can improve psychologically. It is reassuring and confronting in such a great way because although I feel good physically I don't feel happy. [Even over the past few months, I have worked out, like crazy, and eaten nothing bad, like sugar, and as a result I have gotten stronger and leaner....A HUGE POSITIVE....,and while many people have complemented me on how I look, I am not happy. I see what I still can't do and I get upset.] I say assuring and confronting because for me not to see what is wrong, like with my brain/mind, I feel like control is gone and I get scared because finding a solution gets further away, and I have to find a solution. But then to read something and agree with it as if my mind was talking to me, it is a calming moment and there is so much more HOPE to look for.

I thought I was improving psychologically over the years because of the educational steps I made, like getting my masters degree....it's like if I could function in a classroom than I was fine mentally. But this started to fall apart when I was in my last year of my masters, and I was questioning everything. And then when I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy, I leaped into so much physical activity so that my mind would find something else to be happy with.

I never wanted to think that I was psychologically (my mind) hurt. It only mattered to improve physically with what people saw, and since many people knew me through stories from my parents of how I survived a horrible accident...I learned to act in a specific way (happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc.). Although my parents have always and still do want the best for me, we have always been good at hiding the bad moments and spreading the good moments like a wild fire to friends and family. I embraced hiding my feelings and working on improving my outward appearance....I also concentrated on my physical ability so much because I wanted to get back to "me" before the accident. I know this is such an unnatural statement, but I believe in it so much because of all the improvements I have made that I can't stop working hard physically, which I bought up in a previous post. But to get back to my point, when I was younger and I did get upset (I mean CRAZY...yelling and hitting - basically trying to get the inner feelings out in any possible way...like if I got mad enough the feelings would just go away because of the bomb that would go off in my body from my reactions), I always felt worse for acting the way I did than for the reason behind the outburst. Not really sure why my parents didn't really help me through those moments....maybe they thought the LOVE they showed for me was enough to help me get past all the bad stuff.

I guess I mention this because now I want to blow up with anger, but I literally feel I can't. I have become a master at hiding my feelings, when I feel angry I laugh. Also when I get angry, I direct it towards me when I work out. Meaning if I feel pain, I won't stop until the goal is reached. I use phrases like "I suck" or "You can handle it." I am to blame, maybe not for the accident, but I am to blame for the state I choose to be in so I better kill myself so that I have no regrets. Again to get back to my point, I just saw a TV show where a woman was severely traumatized, and she had that realization that is OK to be angry. I guess I want that, but feel I can't have it. It has been a long time since my accident, so shouldn't I be over it?

Cherrios