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lynn09 · 02:14 PM

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

Hi Lynn09!

Hi, Cherrios!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherrios

Always glad to read your response....no judgment in your response, just telling me the benefits of doing "X" so that I can improve psychologically. It is reassuring and confronting in such a great way because although I feel good physically I don't feel happy. [Even over the past few months, I have worked out, like crazy, and eaten nothing bad, like sugar, and as a result I have gotten stronger and leaner....A HUGE POSITIVE....,and while many people have complemented me on how I look, I am not happy.

Your body has "gotten stronger and leaner," but not your psyche. This is about your identity, and your body does not define your identity - your body is not "who" you are.

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

I see what I still can't do and I get upset.]

Possibly measuring yourself against an unattainable standard, and punishing yourself for not being "perfect" enough to attain it? This is that "glass-half-full-or-half-empty" perspective - focusing on what you can't do, rather than celebrating what you can do.

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

I say assuring and confronting because for me not to see what is wrong, like with my brain/mind, I feel like control is gone and I get scared because finding a solution gets further away, and I have to find a solution. But then to read something and agree with it as if my mind was talking to me, it is a calming moment and there is so much more HOPE to look for.

If someone else says to you what you already know in your own mind to be true but are afraid to admit, it's easier for you to give yourself permission to accept it; you exert CONTROL over your body and your emotions through suppression and denial.

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

I thought I was improving psychologically over the years because of the educational steps I made, like getting my masters degree....it's like if I could function in a classroom than I was fine mentally. But this started to fall apart when I was in my last year of my masters, and I was questioning everything. And then when I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy, I leaped into so much physical activity so that my mind would find something else to be happy with.

It takes a tremendous amount of mental energy to suppress the intense pain, sorrow, grief, anger, disappointment, etc., that you are feeling; so, there is very little mental energy left to apply to other demanding mental endeavors, like getting your masters. Slogging through the schoolwork to attain a goal in the long-term wasn't providing you wtih sufficient gratification in the immediate, so it's quite natural and understandable that you would seek that immediate gratification in physical activity. The trick is to populate your life with enough of both to maintain balance and ward off discouragement.

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

I never wanted to think that I was psychologically (my mind) hurt. It only mattered to improve physically with what people saw, and since many people knew me through stories from my parents of how I survived a horrible accident...I learned to act in a specific way (happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc.).

You have a need to CONTROL how others perceive you in order for you to be able to impose that same perception on yourself; in other words, "I can convince others to perceive me as thus; therefore, I am." As a result, you are defining your identity according to the perceptions of others to compensate for your fear that your true identity is defined by your feelings of inferiority, incompetency, weak, vulnerable, helpless, defenseless, victimized, etc.

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

Although my parents have always and still do want the best for me, we have always been good at hiding the bad moments and spreading the good moments like a wild fire to friends and family. I embraced hiding my feelings and working on improving my outward appearance....I also concentrated on my physical ability so much because I wanted to get back to "me" before the accident.

Again, both you and your parents are controlling how others perceive and assign value to you and them - identity. Further, no matter how hard you work out, you will never be able to get back to the "you" that existed before the accident physically or mentally.

Consider this, even if the accident had not happened, you still would not be the same person today physically or mentally that you were 13 years ago - you're not even the same person today that you were yesterday. That former "you" no longer exists, and I agree wholeheartedly with BYZ that you must allow yourself to grieve - grieve for what was and now is not - grieve for what might have been and now can never be. You must go through the very same grieving process for this psychological "death" that we all must go through to deal with the physical death of a loved one in order to go on with life - acknowledge the loss of that past reality, grieve it, and bury it so that you can fully embrace and live in the present reality, and can work effectively to create the future reality that you desire.

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

I know this is such an unnatural statement, but I believe in it so much because of all the improvements I have made that I can't stop working hard physically, which I bought up in a previous post. But to get back to my point, when I was younger and I did get upset (I mean CRAZY...yelling and hitting - basically trying to get the inner feelings out in any possible way...like if I got mad enough the feelings would just go away because of the bomb that would go off in my body from my reactions), I always felt worse for acting the way I did than for the reason behind the outburst.

And feeling bad about acting that way, about losing CONTROL of your anger and lashing out at others (what you perceived to be a sign of weakness, maybe?), is probably why you work so hard now to control your emotions - especially your anger. You are afraid that you will lose control over your anger about the accident and lash out at others.

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

Not really sure why my parents didn't really help me through those moments....maybe they thought the LOVE they showed for me was enough to help me get past all the bad stuff.

Perhaps they just really didn't know how to help you through those moments, and possibly assumed (hoped) that you would "grow out of it."

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

I guess I mention this because now I want to blow up with anger, but I literally feel I can't. I have become a master at hiding my feelings, when I feel angry I laugh. Also when I get angry, I direct it towards me when I work out. Meaning if I feel pain, I won't stop until the goal is reached. I use phrases like "I suck" or "You can handle it."

Right - CONTROLLING your emotions by denying (hiding) them, and directing your anger towards yourself in order to protect others (and possibly even to punish yourself a bit for feeling that anger in the first place).

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

I am to blame, maybe not for the accident, but I am to blame for the state I choose to be in so I better kill myself so that I have no regrets. Again to get back to my point, I just saw a TV show where a woman was severely traumatized, and she had that realization that is OK to be angry. I guess I want that, but feel I can't have it.

There is a vast difference between being to blame and being responsible. Assigning blame is an act of judgment and condemnation, and is counterproductive in accomplishing anything positive, constructive, and beneficial. You are responsible for how you choose to respond to your situation; but, clearly, you have taken and are still taking responsibility for your response by doing all that you are ABLE to do at any given moment to advance your recovery physically and mentally. But, recovery is a process - and it takes time to figure out and develop the appropriate perspectives and skills to achieve that recovery - and it is by going through that recovery process that you discover and develop the perspectives and skills that work for you.

Again, feeling that you are not entitled to be angry is a way of punishing yourself for being angry about the accident and the difficulties you are experiencing dealing with how your life and how you perceive yourself (identity) have been so radically altered by it. You deny yourself permission to feel anger and other emotions, just like you deny yourself of certain foods and activities other than exercise.

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Originally Posted by Cherrios

It has been a long time since my accident, so shouldn't I be over it? Cherrios

Recovery takes as long as it takes, and not one moment more or less. Don't waste your time and energy worrying about what you should or should not feel, nor what could or should have been; invest that time and energy in dealing with what IS; you will obtain the greatest return on your investment of time and energy by acknowledge, focusing on, and dealing with the present reality in order to provide you with the best possible opportunities for a full and worthwhile life in the future.

In your subsequent post, you stated, "But I guess doing something different, where I do not know what the outcome will be, scares me;" and, "I ALWAYS keep my schedule busy...;" and, "I keep busy so that I don't have to slow down or think about my accident...." Again, this denial and avoidance of confronting the reality of the accident and the impact on your life is about CONTROL. It's about controlling how you allow yourself to feel about the accident in order to gain a sense of exerting control over the accident iteself - an event over which you had absolutely no control whatsoever. It seems that most everything you do or don't do is motivated by your fear of lack of control over your life and the world in general - lack of control over reality itself.

From what little you have said about yourself as you were prior to the accident, I get the distinct impression that you have always been a bit of a "perfectionist" - a tad overly demanding and hypercritical of yourself perhaps? - always measuring yourself against an unattainable standard? If this is the case (and I'm pretty sure it is ), it's even more understandable that you would respond to the aftereffects of the accident as you have. You do realize, of course, that in this "imperfect" universe, this "imperfect" realm of existence and state of being, there is no such thing as a "perfect" human being, don't you?

Not only is it acceptable for you to give yourself permission to admit to being "flawed," it is vital to your physical and mental well-being - to your very survival - that you do so. THIS is reality, and dealing with anything other than what is real cannot produce real changes - real results. In a way, you can use the physical injuries you sustained and the physical limitations now imposed on you as a visual aid to help you learn, understand, and accept intangible truths - psychological truths and reality. See the physical trauma and injuries as being physical representations of the psychological trauma and injuries you sustained to help you understand how they must receive appropriate treatment and rehabilitation in order to heal just like the physical injuries do. Further, see the physical limitations (flaws) you now have as representations of the innate psychological flaws and vulnerabilities that are part of what it means to be a human being.

By denying the reality of that accident and the impact it has had on your life, and physical and mental well-being, and by clothing yourself in the false persona of "(happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc.).," you gain a false sense of being in control - of being recovered, and by doing so you rob yourself of the opportunity to actually become - achieve the state of being -"(happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc.)." I believe this is the source of your inner conflict - you are trying to force your mind to accept as reality what it knows is not real, and it's fighting with all of its might to get you to deal with the present reality so that it can survive - so that you can survive.

Bottom line - acknowledging and dealing with your REAL psychological injuries is the only way you will every be able to achieve REAL recovery. Don't get me wrong, Cherrios - although this is straightforward and simple, that doesn't mean that it's easy - but I think you already know this because otherwise you would not be reaching out as you are. You have the courage and tenacity to accomplish this - besides, you don't really want anything less than the genuine article - anything less than the REAL thing, do you? lynn09

(P.S.: Thanks for joining the conversation, Byz! Your input is always valued.)