When I was younger I always wanted to be close to my dad. I had two older brothers who was privileged enough to be boys so that they could go with him truck driving. See, the excuse why I couldn't go was that I was a girl. So I stayed home helping mom with housework for the summer and the boys got to see the mountains and the oceans. Me, no. I remember laying awake at night crying wishing I was a boy so that my dad would love me. I would try to help carry wood while the boys complained. anything it took to win my dad's approval.

In 6th grade I took hunters saftey, I failed by one point. Maybe it happened for a reason. I wanted it not to kill a deer but obviously to bond with my stone hearted father.

Every year I get this fever for hunting. I don't know why. This year particular I am itching. I want to get my license. I want to hunt.

So I call up my my "dad" and I start talking to him. Asked if he was going hunting this year. "No, why" I told him my plans, what about Tim's gun...will you teach me how to use a gun......

yeah......"you don't need to hunt. You wouldn't like it. No I don't think you would like you. you couldn't shoot a deer. there's no time. i'm not going to teach you"

REJECTED! REJECTED! REJECTED! Thanks Dad! There was an immedite downpour of tears, I couldn't help it.

Hurt. Angry. Is this why I am the way I am? Is this why I never finished school or did anything with life? I was set up to be a failure with a dad who does not encourage anything but shuts me down? WTF!

This makes me want to do one of two things. One I want to give up and say whatever and give into his talk. Or two, I not only want to get my license and shoot a deer I want to shoot a BIG deer and I want to gut it myself and take pictures.

It hurts so bad that he shuts me down. I have tried so hard and so many times to have a relationship with this man. It is a waste. Why do I keep trying?

He doesn't even know me to say I couldn't do it.

I still am upset about it. Why can't he teach me how to shoot a gun? What is so hard about it? Plain and simple he doesn't love me and doesn't care. Beyond his parental obligation of love, there is nothing. He don't even know me to love me.