Hi Lynn09, (I am responding to both of your last responses together)

I have already received my masters...I have been trying to find a job but since that has not worked out, I have concentrated on running/working out more and more. Also, thinking about becoming a Personal Trainer. So the reason I needed a break (today) was to stop thinking about all of this stuff. I agree - That's a LOT of information to examine and think about, and to decide what does or does not make sense to you, what does or does not work for you. We've covered a lot of territory recently in this one thread alone! - But it literally baffles me that it is SO hard for me to do what has been said. It should be easy for me to accomplish what has been said since it is just deciding to do one thing over another...simple! It isn't like I am training for an IRONMAN. You said this too in your next to last response - Don't get me wrong, Cherrios - although this is straightforward and simple, that doesn't mean that it's easy. (And you are right, I want nothing less than the genuine article - you don't really want anything less than the genuine article - anything less than the REAL thing, do you? - I just believe that this is what I was before the accident because that is what I know.) And I agree I won't achieve reaching the person I was before the accident, but I can get really close, which will have to be good enough.

Also, since I had just ran in a 5K, I was in some pain, and trying to work through what you said and dealing with the pain my legs were feeling was overload. A break was necessary!

what are you thinking about while you're running? - [And when I run, I concentrate on the things I can control....like my breathing, my posture, the fact that if I keep going I will finish the race. And like with everything that I do if I can help someone else, the pain I am feeling goes out the door....meaning I concentrate on helping them finish. Like today I kept an older gentleman running, he kept me running too, but I kept telling him that he was AMAZING to attempt the 5K since there were hills and it was FREEZING! He already did the hard part, now it was just a matter of finding the energy to finish.]

It takes time for you to absorb, process, assimilate, and implement all that you and I and Byz and others here have talked about since you came to PC, as well as what you have discussed with your T and others in your real life. - I guess I think I don't have time.....it's like if I died tomorrow would I be satisfied...NO! So I try to make things happen...waiting for something to happen does not sit well with me. I feel that accidents are bound to happen, so we need to do what we can when we can. Maybe I am anxious or on edge...I don't know, but when I hear about something I feel the need to make it happen right away. I guess I have never been the one to take my time....I am even going on this date on Monday, which scares me to death, but I feel I should since I am 25 years old and have never really been in a relationship since my accident. Time was taken away from me, so I am now trying to catch up.

And..... you are so clever.....Consider this, even if the accident had not happened, you still would not be the same person today physically or mentally that you were 13 years ago - you're not even the same person today that you were yesterday. That former "you" no longer exists - You are right the girl that I was before the accident does not exist anymore....but I just want to get back to where I was physically. I want to rewind time for this purpose only.....I would have been such an athlete. The night before my accident, I went to my soccer practice where my dad commented on how strong my legs were when I kicked the ball.

I do hold myself to a high standard - Possibly measuring yourself against an unattainable standard, and punishing yourself for not being "perfect" enough to attain it? This is that "glass-half-full-or-half-empty" perspective - focusing on what you can't do, rather than celebrating what you can do. - I do this because I know I can accomplish what I could have done before the accident. It might be unattainable at first, but nothing stays that way. And I agree, nothing is perfect in this world, but I considered what I could do before the accident....perfect. I only focus on what I can't do because I know I can EVENTUALLY do it!And I do this - If someone else says to you what you already know in your own mind to be true but are afraid to admit, it's easier for you to give yourself permission to accept it; you exert CONTROL over your body and your emotions through suppression and denial. - because I know I can do whatever it is. I have to think this way because I would lose it if I couldn't do something as I did before.

The trick is to populate your life with enough of both to maintain balance and ward off discouragement. - My problem is that I concentrate on one thing and forget about the other things. This especially happens when it comes to working out, since I think this is what I should concentrate on. Doing is my problem!

Again, feeling that you are not entitled to be angry is a way of punishing yourself for being angry about the accident and the difficulties you are experiencing dealing with how your life and how you perceive yourself (identity) have been so radically altered by it. You deny yourself permission to feel anger and other emotions - so how do I express my anger in a constructive way? Or do I?

From what other things you said in your response, I guess I am wondering "How" I stop needing to control things...stop being in denial. It is all centered around my accident, but how do I approach this idea of taking hold of my life in the way possible?

Thank you! Cherrios!