You are doing a wonderful thing for your children by making sure they have something from you at Christmas. I am sorry you are in so much pain. When you look in the mirror I wish you could see yourself as God sees you. He says we are fearfully and wonderfully made! A person that can have all the stuff going on as you do AND are able to care about what others are going through has a big heart. May I say that it sounds as though you have alot you are carrying right now and that we all need help so there isn't anything wrong with someone helping us from time to time. You may look at this post and toss it out too but I just wanted you to know I read your thread and the posts and my heart aches for you. I have been so messed up in my life at times. I happen to be in a really good place now and I am so thankful. I had to go through alot but I made it. I am a survivor and I believe you are too.