I've been struggling with depression for over two years. It increased to the point over two months ago where I was hospitalized and could no longer work. I have been home from work since then and I am trying very hard to get better. It is a difficult road.

Triggering the depression were several events that occured about two years ago. I've had bad health all of my life (severe stress related illness) that I learned to cope with very well. But too years ago I was hit with several complications, the worst of which is severe rheumatoid arthritis. I have not found a solution to the arthritis that does not interfere with my other illnesses, and I am loosing hope that it will ever subside to a point where I can do things that used to bring me joy. My biggest passion in life has always been traveling to and riding rollercoasters (see my coaster stuff at http://www.idexter.com/the_house

He has convinced the social workers that this state of the house is a new development (a lie, it has been like this for 40 years) and that he could clean it up with my help. I have tried helping in with this in the past, in one notible case I was helping him decide what to keep and what to throw out in one of the rooms and after a few days in that one room discovered that he had been sneaking out to the garbage at 3:00am to bring stuff back in and hiding it in the basement). There is no way he is going to make any sort of sincere effort to clean the house, the social workers should no this because they have had volunteers over to help him; he is always very enthusiastic about the help but when they get there he sabotages any attempt to do any work, occupying them with talk or excuses (his favorite has always been "we can't through those papers out because I lost some money and it might be mixed in with those"---he's been using that one on me and others for many years). In spite of that, the social workers now think that I can have the "magic touch" of helping him clean up. Even if I was willing it would be impossible for me now because of the arthritis.

The latest development is that they will now not release him from the hospital until the house gets cleaned up. So now the social workers actually want him to MOVE IN WITH ME and he promises to go to his house a few days a week to clean up. Unbelievable. I won't let that happen but it has been very stressful having to explain myself over and over to the social workers.

The things mentioned above are only actually minor problems, the worst thing that happened to me was a huge disappointment with regard to a personal relationship that I thought was beginning to blossom. I have never found anyone interested in sharing a bond with me closer than just friendship. This has never bothered me because I always lived my life for myself and always believed that when the time was right it would happen for me. Two years ago all of my signals lit up, I met someone that I loved being around, with many many similar interests, that I believed to be my "soul mate". Moreover, I really thought the feeling was mutual, over time I felt our friendship heading in that direction. Finally I gathered enough confidence to address the issue, "make a pass" so to speak, only to find out I was about as off-base as I could be. We are still very good friends but the loss of hope to me was absolutely devastating. People keep saying not to give up hope but the truth is that with the arthritis and other problems, not to mention the depression, I really have absolutely no hope of that happening. I don't get out anymore because of all the health issues so I'm not even meeting people who might be possiblities. I am in constant pain so even if someone were to "fall into my lap" I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. Even sitting and cuddling now is quite painful. And I really feel old for the first time in my life.

I'm going to make this "chapter 1" and talk about some new issues I've been dealing with in another post later on, including brand new stress at my job (that caused me so much anxiety that I had to go into the hospital, and that anxiety is not at all resolved) and some new really deep abandonment from many friends who promised to be there to help me through this. I have no family to rely on so if this depression goes on and I can't pay my bills I have no place to fall back on. But more importantly I feel so alone in dealing with this. It is hard to get out and I have been making progress by going to support groups and such but the day-to-day, suffering here by myself, has been really really bad. If I can make it through this depression I don't know what I have to look forward to afterward, I don't feel as if I trust my friends anymore and can't imagine getting back into any sort of enjoyment of things again.

I'm still hanging in. One example was that I couldn't get ANYONE over to help me shovel my snow, even people who had explicilty promised to do so if I ever needed it. So I've been stuck in the house for 4 days and missed a support group last night. This morning I had a T appointment and I got up early to walk to the appointment instead of sulking (Actually, rode my Segway there in the snow if Dr. Grohl is reading . I do try to give myself credit for little steps like this but by this point I was hoping to feel at least like I am moving forward instead of backward.

More later.