 oh cutbuddie have you ever seen a therapist to discuss what's going on? i think it would help you and perhaps the therapist can determine a remedy. i really think it's a good idea. why not ask your parents if they would support you in this?
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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