((((mtex))))

Thank you for posting. I find myself dissociating still also but I am trying to keep myself present more. Dissociating back as a child when things were so bad that it kept me safe and helped me survive was a good thing. Even at times today it can be a good thing. But too often I feel for myself anyways, that when I dissociate now I cannot keep myself out of harms way not knowing what is taking place so that I can stay in control.

When I leave myself I cannot get myself to safety or make the decisions I need to make. Not knowing what is going on leaves me open to being hurt and retraumatized today. It is hard at times to be present as for all my life I have left and someone else has stepped forth to take what I could not. But I am learning that now it is for the best to be present.

Those within only know what they know. When I stepped back and sometimes still I am unaware of it, but am getting more co-consciousness as time goes on, I am not able to keep things from happening or knowing what is happening. This is causing problems as I lose time and am unsure of what happens when I am not there.

It is not easy but something I am working on so that I know when danger is present and I can know who and what is taking place. I have been attacked and I have no memory of what took place and cannot tell anyone. I know that those within are scared and many times feel that they cannot tell still. I think threats are still held over them.

I guess for us me being more present so that I can have that knowledge is important to stopping what is going on. It takes time and it is scary. For so long the safest thing was to get away inside deep. Now it is many times hendering my safety. Losing time and dissociating for myself leaves me in the dark. I am unable to sometimes even remember what took place during the day or week.

I think everyone dissociates to a degree. Many daydream, or get lost in their thoughts, and block out. Dissociation allows us to get away when we need to. It is not a bad thing until it interferes with taking care of you. It is hard for me because not knowing creates a lot of anxiety for me and asking questions of how did that happen? Did I go to my appointment? Where did that come from?

It is different for each person but for me it is something I am working on not doing so much so that I have more control and can know what is taking place. Thank you again for posting and I hope that this makes sense. Seems right now my words are hard to reach to. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps