Hi Lynn09,

I will ALWAYS say "Thank you!" It really is a comfort to read things and agree most definitely with both mentally and physically.

I have already received my masters...By the way, what did you get your masters in?My masters is in Museum Studies. I took all the right classes which led me to that subject. Although, I was Pre-Med for a very long time....trying to pursue what I always wanted to be. It was BIG when I decided to pursue something else. But I believe that if I did stay with Pre-Med, I would have had more difficult times with decisions I would have been made to make. Doctors are realistic, and I can't be that way...being realistic has not gotten me to the place where I am at. Doctors were the first ones I NEVER followed their advice.

I agree - Right; but, like you have said before, even once you decide what change to make, it's a matter of figuring out the precise "how" of going about making that change. - But it is tough to gauge "how"...again I think it is me because I feel I have to do things a certain way. I guess OCD does have a role in my life.


I agree again - Absolutely! That pain may be one of the things that "drives" you so hard - the act of running despite the pain is perhaps an act of defiance - your way of not allowing it to have power over you - not allowing it to control or define you. You hit it on the nose!

I just hope this does not happen - However, you must remember that pain does produce other physiological effects - causes the body to produce stress hormones that can have detrimental physiological effects that may counteract some of the physical ground you have gained. - because pushing myself as hard as I have is how I have gotten those results.

Yes, distraction is a very good tool to use to deal with pain, plus you gain a sense of self-worth and value by helping someone else achieve their goal. (This is what I mean....I LOVE reading your responses because as I was thinking this, you have written it down....and it is one of those "WHOA" moments.)
This is what I meant by my statement about populating your life with activities that will give you enough immediate gratification to ward off discouragement while working to achieve long-term goals. This is what you may derive from being a Peronal Trainer. I do LOVE helping others because it does help me to forget about my pain. But I have been speaking with a life-coach, and she tells me to NOT put other's needs before my own. If I can help someone, there is no stopping to think if I should. (Helping others is one of my core philosophies!) I just have been holding back because I have wanted to pursue "CRAZY" ideas with getting me back to my physical ability before the accident or really close.
Side-note: the movie "The Reader" although it was very good....I HATED it because the character played by Ralph Finnes did not get past his ego and save the woman who he loved, played by Kate Winnslet. Kate's character needed Ralph's character so much, but he wouldn't help her in the way she needed him most. SO SAD! I will not go into too much more in case you have not seen it and want to see it.

It takes time for you to absorb, process, assimilate, and implement all that you and I and Byz and others here have talked about since you came to PC, as well as what you have discussed with your T and others in your real life. - I guess I think I don't have time.....it's like if I died tomorrow would I be satisfied...NO! Actually, more people would do well to feel that way about their lives - never stop trying, never stop learning, never stop reaching, never become enslaved to the mediocrity of the status quo. I love your way of making a negative (in my mind) a positive. I guess I think it is a negative (and not in all aspects) because I keep going so fast. It is EXHAUSTING! But I keep going, and then as a result I just have a list of things to do that NEVER gets smaller.

Ahhh...this explains a great deal! You were only 12 years old when that accident occurred? No wonder you are having difficulty. Time wasn't the only thing that was taken from you. You spent some of the most important developmental years of your life focused solely on trying to recover from your injuries instead of developing the self-confidence, learning the social skills, and developing the emotional maturity that would enable you to be decisive and bold now as an adult!! Your physical body may be chronologically 25 years old, but your emotional and social development was interrupted and has been delayed, so to speak. This is probably why you are having difficulty dealing with your emotions - especially your anger. At age 12 and through the rest of your teens, you were not equipped to deal with the emotional trauma you incurred as a result of that accident and did not have the opportunity to develop the emotional maturity to deal with it. No wonder you felt and still feel so victimized by it - so abused! Of course you focus more on maintaining and improving your physical condition - that's all you know - that's pretty much what you have spent more than half of your life becoming experienced at doing. Hearing it put that way, it is a lot. I was actually 11...the accident happened a week before my birthday.

I'm glad that you are going on that date...it's long overdue. But, you need to be very patient with yourself because you have some ground to make up. And you need to be very careful with your heart, too. Try to focus mainly on the social interaction in order to gain experience and develop self-confidence in interacting socially with others before pursuing romantic involvements. Learn how to have fun!! (Sheesh! Do I ever sound like an old lady!!! ) I agree that going on this date is a good thing.....I just am using a dating service which freaks me out. AND over the summer I had HUGE experiences with a guy (not ones that would lead to lasting affects like intercourse), but they were BIG in my mind, especially since I had only met this guy a few hours before. So everything happened very quick. But I felt that what we were doing should not stop because I was 25 and I had never done any of these things before. A little bit of a WHOA moment for me.....but I was a little intoxicated so it was my fault.

And this explains a great deal, as well. You were an athlete - that aspect of your "identity" was more developed at the time, and most of your self-confidence and positive feelings about yourself were rooted in your physical strength and abilities. So, when we humans get frustrated by what we don't know how to do, we will do what we know in order to alleviate that frustration. I am screwed aren't I....meaning I will just keep going on this merry-go-round.

I understand - truly I do. I ran track when I was younger - sprints, 440 relay, high jump, etc. I had always been athletic, in good physical shape, and wanted so much to pursue athletics, especially gymnastics. I wanted to be a Physical Education instructor (that's when PE was required in junior and high schools). However, after the doctors found that malformed vertebra in my lower spine when I was 20 y/o and did 3 surgeries to fuse it to another vertebra to stabilize it and "repair" what they could of the neurological damage, my hopes and plans went out the window - including having children. I am SO SORRY! Having children will be near impossible for me as well since I have a plate that has fused my pelvis together and is connected to my lower spine. Plus, I was given another blood type when I had the blood transfusions (O+ instead of O-) so even conceiving will be near impossible. BUT adoption is ALWAYS another way to go! Also, there is no pain bringing this child into the world, so you don't immediately hate it for causing you pain. I hope this made you laugh!
And I think if Physical Education is what you have wanted to do....DON"T let this stop you. I mean who wants to have a Physical Trainer, who might not be able to do certain things, or has physical limitations herself. But I am still going to try to be the BEST Personal Trainer I can. Motivation is HUGE in Personal Training, just as important for Physical Education if not more so since you would be teaching kids. Physical appearance is SO important to kiddos, and with all of the bullying going on today I would say to have you as a Physical Education Coach would make me want to come to your class more than any other class. I would listen to you and see results.
I was devastated by all that loss, and I felt just as victimized by it as I did by being abused throughout my childhood by my parents and siblings. Can I ask what you mean? Because as I kept trying to do certain physical activities, my parents and brothers always told me that I couldn't do "X" because of my accident. I might have been sad, but I was more angry than anything else. It took time for me to run, but I never let the idea of the possibility that I could run out of my mind. Although I worked really hard despite the constant pain (which is still with me to this day) to regain my physical strength, I have never been the same since. But, I realized back then that I had to deal with the situation as it really was, rather than what I wanted it to be. I believe you can do anything!!!! And there is cream that I put on my knees...I just got it and I think it works wonders already....the name of the cream/ointment is Traumeel. It could do wonders for your back, and if you decide to try it....I pray that is does work for you in the most unimaginable ways! www.traumeel.com

In a previous post, you said, "This accident should never have happened...why do things like this happen? " The short answer is, "Because that's the reality we live in." Considering all that can possibly happen to human beings during a lifetime, I guess it would be more realistidc for us to ask, "Why not?" - more realistic to expect such things and more to happen to us. Again, I LOVE the perspective you put on something I say. You are 100% right...."Why not?" The accident was just something that happened. And the way I have handled it was AWESOME! The accident has pushed me to new levels, levels which I might not have even come close too if I was not hit-by that car. And believe me I don't want to be angry because if I was I would miss out on so much. But I am angry about the way I was hurt, so I am just angry at the accident. But the accident could have been FAR worse!

I just now realized that I have never felt any anger at all about that birth defect and the impact it had and still has on my life, probably because I was emotionally mature enough at that point to view it realistically and not take it personally. The only thing I have been angry about is the fact that my parents refused to believe me about the constant excruciating pain in my lower back and legs I experienced throughout my entire childhood.I tried hitting baseballs at a batting cage once to get out my anger, but I really hurt my hands more than anything else. So if you hit baseballs, wear gloves and take breaks between the number of balls you hit. I hope that you relationship with your parents/siblings is better today!

I'm going to have to think about this some more to see if I can answer your question about how to express your anger in a constructive way....hmmm..... Thanks!!!

From what other things you said in your response, I guess I am wondering "How" I stop needing to control things...stop being in denial. It is all centered around my accident, but how do I approach this idea of taking hold of my life in the way possible? You can only relinquish that need to control things when you feel safe. This is going to be HARD! You found out that the world is not a safe place, and that you can't trust anyone or anything to protect you from random, senseless, unjust, and unprovoked events. The truth is that there is very little that we can control outside of ourselves or beyond this moment in time - we can't control random events any more than we can control what others choose to think or how they choose to behave. The only thing we have any control over at all is how we choose to respond to whatever happens around us and to us. So, the only way any of us can feel some sense of "safety" comes from being able to trust ourselves (self-confidence). We must be able to trust that no matter what happens, we will do our best to make certain that we respond according to our core philosophies which are how we choose to define ourselves; and that the core philosophies we choose to embrace and exemplify produce responses that are appropriate, courageous, wise, compassionate, honorable, and just. It's a matter of how we choose to define our identities - who we choose to be in any given moment regardless of the situation or circumstances, and regardless of our physical packaging. You are a YODA! SO much wise information!

So, I guess the question is really how do we become appropriate, courageous, wise, compassionate, just, and honorable people in order to respond accordingly? It takes seeking knowledge and wisdom to discern the real priorities in life. It takes time, experience, and repetition - just like learning anything else. It takes being fully present and aware in the moment. It takes honest self-examination and conscious determination to develop those characteristics - to be the person who actually possesses (or is possessed by) those characteristics. It takes developing the courage to choose to do the right, honorable, and just thing rather than the expedient thing in every situation - and, of course, it is in making that choice again and again that we develop the courage to continue to make that choice. I think that I can do the right thing when it comes to others, but seeing myself through that glass is something entirely different. I guess I feel life should be difficult, which is another reason I push myself so hard. I guess I think that if we get too happy, bad things will only happen. So I am on guard to prevent such bad things from happening. I know, I literally do not have control, but maybe it is just the idea of controlling that I want.

It takes focusing more on who you want to be rather than what you want to do. A BIG question....I like so many things that choosing what I want to be is REALLY hard. I have found that it doesn't much matter what you do, but rather how you do it and why are what really matter. If you are focused on becoming the kind of person you want to be, focused on the character traits and identity you want to develop, you will be able to gain the knowledge and experience you need just about anywhere. To clarify, when I was able to work, my personal core philosophy was that regardless of whatever job I was doing, the people (bosses, co-workers, customers, etc.) were always more important than the job - that the people were my real job regardless of where I was or what I was doing - that the personal welfare of the people I came in contact with was always more important than my position and paycheck, and that I would never close my eyes to another person being abused or dehumanized, or to illegal, unethical, or unjust acts committed by anyone even if standing up for what was right jeopardized my livelihood. I always did my paying job to the very best of my ability, but I would not sacrifice the welfare of another human being in order to do it. LOVE your core PHILOSOPHY! You definitely make the world a better place....I am so glad you responded to my post!

I think this is part of what you missed out on as a result of having to be so focused on your physical recovery during those important developmental years - you didn't have the opportunity to fully develop your own personal core philosophies to determine what you want your life - your story - to be about; not just what you want to do, but why you do whatever you do the way you do it. You are good! You say it so well!

Whenever I'm trying to figure out how to deal with a situation, I always fall back on my philosophical beliefs - what perspective on, approach to, and method for dealing with the situation is in alignment with and supported by my basic core philosophies? This has helped me to refrain from making decisions about how to respond to the situation based on my emotions (especially my anger) and in a manner that is not consistent with the person I want to be - and what a battle that is at times!!! It's the difference between revenge and justice, cleverness and wisdom, etc.I was wondering if you could elaborate on this some more?

So, perhaps the real starting point is to decide what kind of person you want to be regardless of your circumstances, and regardless of your physical condition since there really is no way to control those things completely and indefinitely? Previously, you said that you "learned to act...happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc." Perhaps the real question is what core philosophies would help you develop the character traits that would enable you to actually be "happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc." regardless of your circumstances and/or physical condition? And, perhaps by focusing on embracing the core philosophies necessary for developing those character traits would enable you to figure out how to go about making the changes in your life that you want to make. Perhaps the problem is that we've been skipping that step (?). You hit it on the nose! I guess it is really difficult for me know what kind of person I want to be!

I APPRECIATE your RESPONSES SO MUCH! Don't think anything different!
Cherrios!