Admittedly a lot of my stress comes from this current situation. Having to care for someone that you still love so deeply in a completely different way is a very hard change of pace for me. I've been depressed for quite some time, although over the last 4 months I have been laid off from work, had to find a new place to live and such, but that had been getting better through time of my moods cheering from finding a ne wjob and soon to have a new place to call my humble abode as well.

The shocking news of the end of my relationship with my girlfriend came as a shock two weeks ago, although it feels like an eternity at this point in time. We celebrate our shared birthday on the 18th, and I know things are going to be hard. Seeing her over the weekend and her confirmation that I was not getting another chance to make amends with what I had done were a shock and what had most likely created the intensity of the anxiety attacks. I cannot be certain that those are the causes of them, but signs do point in that direction.

It's been a struggle to pull information from my ex at this juncture, and I now know that I pushed her too hard in trying to solve our problems when she had all but given up already. I have come to the realization that to have a chance to make things right with her again, I need to start from the beginning. We never had a "friendship" if you want to call it that. We jumped straight away into dating, and I fear that has been some of the root problems, along with other things as well, which are room for another topic altogether. My point is this, to help the ones we love, we must sometimes sacrifice bits of ourselves. I am coming to this juncture with a lot of steam and I do fear my own sanity through all of this, but I do know that my love for my ex girlfriend is so strong that I'm willing to put aside any feelings of resentment of the last couple weeks and work with her if she will let me to help her back to her feet and move on again, possibly giving me that second chance that I desire more than anything in the world right now.

That is another story altogether, but definitely an explaination as to part of the stresses in my life currently.

The kind words are greatly appreciated, even though there has been a bit of a delayed response here due to the new member rule of 3 posts per day. Hopefully I will get past the 15 posts and be able to post on a more regular basis on what is going on and how I am attempting to combat all that has affected me.

I'm currently in the need of finding a doctor that works on a sliding scale so that I can get back on meds. I hate the idea of using a chemical to alter my body and personality, but when you are at a low point, you have to give up these things that you think are terrible and hope for the best. I just had such a bad experience on meds last time that it's going to be a very hard step if I can find a doc that will perscribe me anything at all.