"It's as though a part of me wants to suffer. I don't quite get where i learned this".....

wasn't it like suffering when you were a child and you so wanted the nurturing from your parents and the emotional support BUT it wasn't there?--

so to the child part of your experience that's the way it is supposed to be--suffering.
so wanting love from one and instead being hurt... perhaps that's the lesson you learned-- that it's supposed to hurt in relationships-- it's familiar to your child part of you. If those friends gave you a balanced relationship that would feel strange and unknown-- even though it's a healthy relationship-- the strangeness, unfamiliar just doesn't feel as correct..... one is drawn to the familiar -- NO matter how much it hurts or is destructive. (that's usually why some women keep going to men, in relationships, that hit them-- after growing up in such an enviroment-- it's familiar, it's what they know)

---that's why I chose a man to be with that is emotionally disconnected and has only concern for his goals--- it's what I'm familar with (disconnected father and narcissistic traits- mother)-- even though it hurts like heck-- I stick with it-- it's what I know. (this is what I've learned from therapy... but changing such ingrained ways is so so difficult)

cheers to you in working so hard

fins